Month: March 2008

  • blue horse



    I didn't draw this.  I originally found it in black and white on an art site.  I couldn't help making it blue. 
  • stars on a blue spectrum

    Stars on a blue spectrum are moving toward us.  Ever since I was born I have been fascinated by this kind of blue, blue light, blue in nature.  I even wanted to be blue.  Blue skin, blue hair.  I sometimes dream in vivid blue.

    Sometimes I feel like I have memories of something other than here as I am now.  I have tried reading a few new age books and am a little disappointed at the consistent romanticism, although I long ago reached the conclusion in my childhood without anyone telling me this, that we are here to learn, and that if we fail to learn while we have the chance we get 'stuck' or something.  Getting stuck is far worse suffering than any suffering we go through learning to sacrifice ourselves for love.  Respect and courtesy for others in any shape or form is more important than any ideas we get in our heads that drive us apart with disdain and violence.  Appreciation and contentment are more important than acquisition and pride.  Truth is good, forgiveness is better.  Our learning boils down to whether we pick being selfish or being selfless.  Will we destroy others, or will we become wise and puzzle a way to get along?

    If it is true that we travel around this universe (and others?) in all kinds of bodies while our spirits learn and grow wise, then I know I have been other places than here.

    Time and distance have no meaning outside this box that contains time and distance.

    As a child I looked up at the night sky and knew I came from out there.  I felt this long before I ever encountered the idea.  I feel like this place now, although I like it very much, is a place I am visiting.  This feeling is congruent with many beliefs, including Christianity, Buddhism, and atheism.

    When I first was, I was joy.  I was energy- glorious, thrilling, exhilarating energy.  I knew nothing else.  I swam in an endless world of joyful energy, all of us bouncing and rebounding, racing, feeling nothing but joy.

    That is what being alive starts out as, I am sure of it.  I feel like I remember it.  It's a very old memory, one I cherish, one I miss sometimes, without really knowing this or understanding it.  But I want to feel that joy again.  I want to feel that exhilaration and energy and swim in a sea of joy.

    Was that the big bang?  Was that the beginning of this universe?  Will I ever know?

    Over a great deal of time, I feel I became aware of a little bit going on around me.  This is me, that is not me.  I bump into that.  That is what being alive starts teaching us.  We are not alone.  We interact.  And over a great deal of time, we learn that we affect one another.

    We start simply.  Photons?  Were we light?  They say we come from the stars, but I'm sure that assumes our bodies are made of the elements created in the stars.  What about our spirits, who we are?  Is there more than this body?  I feel like there is way, way more.

    Over another great deal of time we learn concepts.  Survive.  Work to survive.  Cooperate to survive.  Absorb to survive.  Kill to survive.  Rocks don't do this.  Algae, viruses, cells, organisms.  Are cells self aware in some tiny way?  Is that how a universe of cells in a body can communicate and cooperate so quickly?  Can we become more than knee-jerk reaction, more than mindless consumption?

    Over another great deal of time we learn feelings and the actions they inspire.  Loyalty.  Protect.  Help.  Give.  Die to insure the survival of the whole.  We become a society, aware of others.  Tiny birds do this.  Some insects do this.  Some plants do this.  Basic training for everything from the least of these to higher organisms like dogs and people.

    Over more time we learn emotional pain.  Loss.  Anguish.  The absence of others.  The idea that we cherished others.  The need for others.  To learn from.  To love.  To share joy with.

    And over more time we learn the strength to withstand all of this, to grow into a new kind of joy that transcends time and place, and who we are.  We learn to see it all, appreciate it all, and become- what?

    What is next?  Please tell me it's not some inert heaven or nirvana where we stop growing.  I think we have that concept all wrong.

    Perhaps this universe is preparing us for the next one.  Or perhaps one day we'll be outside the cauldron of universe bubbles in an completely new way of being, seeing, and feeling.

    I love being here.  I love learning geology, cosmology, anthropology- the histories of everything I can see.  I feel like I am so lucky to be living right now, in this time and place.  At no other time in human history has so much information been accessible with my fingertips while I sit in a chair.  At no other time has so much knowledge been amassed.  We almost know the entire history of the earth, the sun, how long they'll last, the history of our galaxy, it's probable future, and we even now know how old the universe itself is, and so many of its secrets.  We were blind like salamanders in a cave only a handful of years ago, and now we can see what seems like everything.

    This will never come again in human history.  If anything happens to this earth, all this knowledge will be lost.  If anyone survives over the next several thousand, or even a few hundred years, what's left of knowledge will become myth and legend.  It will be as if we never really existed.

    Blue is much more than a color to me.  It is something I once was, a state of being, information I don't know how to access, a strong feeling I'm not able to verbalize.  Somehow it is part of who I am, and for some reason, it feels important.  I realize this could just be a manifestation of my weird aspie brain.  But I also wonder if my weird aspie brain is able to feel more than this box world we live in.  I have a feeling many more people can feel more than they are able to understand or willing to admit.

    Enjoy learning on this earth while we have time.  Enjoy that we are all precious.

  • Xanga is cleaning out closets and contacting all the accounts that are floating in limbo.  Alas, I have a number of them...  I use Xanga to test codes and colors, play, etc.  I want to keep the bluejacky name, so I'm consolidating another blog onto this one.  Fortunately, it had only one entry, a poem I wrote back in 2005 during lengthy illness that put me through severe depression.



    Song of the Pixie Horses

    Always dreaming, never sleeping, kind of seeming I'm ok,
    Touching no one, having no fun, wishing to go out and play.

    Hear me whisper, feel me passing, wonder what they think of me,
    See me fading, I'm just shadows, tasting only what is free.

    No commitment, no surrender, nothing to pretend to hide,
    Live forever, slowly dying, falling out of either side.

    Keep me running, flying nowhere, prancing round a misty dawn,
    Racing stillness, moonlight standing, floating wreaths of breathy prawn.

    Nothing matters, worldly guessing, logic hopeless reason chance,
    Sculpted meaning, mindless treasure, my place is to sing and dance.

    I thought I would write more poetry, but apparently it's just not my thing, although I really do like this poem.  I felt very sad when I wrote it, suffering through nerve damage and the possibility of losing both my sight and my hearing.  Being able to adjust the colors and font sizes on my Xanga sites on my monitor was a blessing.

    I have many moods and loathe to cram them all into one place, and it helps to spread them out on Xanga so I can better deal with my stuff.  My home blog is at Pink Feldspar, which you can see is quite different from the mood here.

    Having Asperger's, I have difficulty dealing with my emotions appropriately, and experiencing disabling ongoing illness along with it has been a real challenge.  I'm in conflict over having an 'audience', but I do like to share sometimes.  I don't make friends because I find having to keep up with social interaction overwhelming, but I actually do like people and lurk around Xanga quite a bit.


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I've started transferring my survey posts over to Surveypalooza so people coming in from search engines on mobile devices will be able to see the surveys.


Apologies for the missing vids, another upgrade during the server migration swept through like a scan sweeping through the Enterprise. I'll fix those later, kinda busy...

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