May 23, 2008

• the history of me

  THE HISTORY OF...
   
  
  PART 1: YOU
  __________________________________
  
  Were you a planned baby?
  - I was so accidental that I actually took advantage of a miscarriage to force my way into this world.  Nothing like bumping a sibling off in vitro, eh?  haha  Actually, I'm sure he was gone before I got there.

  
  Were you the first?
  - Technically, I was *born* first.  Do I get a prize?
  
  Who was present at your birth?
  - My mother was knocked unconscious.  I started life on this planet surrounded by strangers in masks and gloves, kinda like a lab rat.
  
  Were your parents married when you were born?
  - What the heck, sure.  I know, being at the tail end of the baby boomers, that it was way cooler to have been a love child born to flower children, but dang it all, my folks didn't know how to do drugs.
  
  What is your birth date?
  - United Nations Day, a day of portent for my birth that has gone largely unnoticed.
  
  
  PART 2: THE FAMILY
  __________________________________
  
  Parents married or divorced?
  - They are sorta separated because Mom lives in a nursing home now, but Dad goes on a date with her every day to the cafeteria for lunch.  The nursing home staff treat him like a king.
  
  An only child?
  - I've always been ticked that I wasn't, no offense to my sibs.  I'm sure there's none taken...
  
  If you have siblings are you oldest, middle, or youngest?
  - I think we've already established that I was born first.  Survey makers really try my patience.
  
  Which parent do you get along with best?
  - Wow, was that an option?  I got along with *no one*.  Dad was ok, though.
  
  Do you have step-parents?
  - One can dream.
  
  
  PART 3: THE FRIENDS
  __________________________________
  
  Do you have more than one best friend?
  - Scott is my only bff.  I'm sure he's thrilled about that.  That means he gets to see me at my worst and laugh at me without me slugging him.
  
  What do you like to do when you are together?
  - Eat, fuss, laugh at the misfortune of others.  Build a henhouse.  Totally crack up at the geebers in Walmart.
  
  Do you share the same interests?
  - It would suck if I beat him at fantasy baseball, so maybe it's a good thing we don't.
  
  Which friend can you tell everything to?
  - Scott's pretty good at letting it all go in one ear and get lost.
  
  
  PART 4: YOUR PERSONALITY
  __________________________________
  
  Do you have a low self esteem?
  - My ego knows no boundary.  I had no idea there *was* such a thing as low self esteem for many years, and found it difficult to believe it was a real problem for some people.
  
  Do you get depressed about things easily?
  - I sorta got depressed when I found out Jupiter probably doesn't have a solid surface, but otherwise I use depression to slingshot myself wildly back into the bizarre.

  
  Are you happy?
  - Happiness was invented at the end of the Dark Ages.  It's a concept used to sell things to people who feel like they are missing something in their lives if they don't have what they just found out exists, like cinnamon, silk, and chocolate.  World wide slavery was born out of the commercialism touting happiness- the more happiness people buy, the more slaves we can use to make more happiness.  Fortunately, the industrial age now mass produces happiness so the slaves are free to buy it themselves.  Think deeply about this.  Happiness is contingent on the moment.  It logically can't continue without constant supply of whatever produces happiness.  That means you become dependent on others or things 'making' you happy.  That means you become helpless to create your own joy and contentment.  The right to pursue happiness has caused more personal unrest than just about any other concept in human history.  Depression is a soaring business.  Are you guys actually thinking about this?  Ten thousand years ago no one thought "I'm not happy."  Two thousand years ago no one thought "I'm not happy."  Life has always sucked on this planet, and if the bugs or weather don't ruin your crops and no one steals your cattle or land and your kids don't die of the plague, you're having a pretty good day.  This whole 'happiness' thing is the most ludicrous thing that has happened to humanity, and if there really is a devil, I'm sure he's chuckling about the whole thing.  We no longer appreciate joy and contentment because we are not 'happy'.
  
  Do you live life to the fullest?
  - I'm doing it right now.    I enjoy flinging my brain all over you guys.

  
  
  PART 5: APPEARANCE
  __________________________________
  
  Are you comfortable with the way you look?
  - I generally have no idea how I look, and I feel pretty comfortable.
  
  Describe your hair?
  - Hilarious.
  
  How do you dress?
  - With both hands.  Sometimes my foot gets caught and I start to fall over.  Are you going to ask how I eat, too? 
  
  Were you a strange child?
  - I was introduced as 'The Screamer', with polite little laughs among the adults.  I got even later by puking.
  
  Do you want to get married?
  - Not again.  Twice is enough.  How old are you?  How come survey makers always assume I'm unmarried?
  
  
  PART 6: THE OUTDOORS
  __________________________________
  
  Do you prefer indoors or outdoors?
  - I *prefer* outdoors, but I am *stuck* indoors.  I go outside a lot in my head.
  
  Right season?
  - This is a new angle.  Should I infer now that there is a 'wrong season'?  The whole last year has been pretty screwed up, I don't know if I could honestly pick one season over another.
  
  Do you like walking in the rain?
  - It's hilarious when a romantic couple comes running in from a hailstorm that could kill them.
  
  
  PART 7: FOOD
  __________________________________
  
  Are you a vegetarian?
  - I'm a foodatarian.  Food is ~good~.  Why else was food offered to the gods in all cultures?
  
  What is your favorite food?
  - Right now I'm in the mood for something Red Lobstery.  My faves change with my moods.
  
  What food makes you want to gag?
  - Well, the idea of caviar kinda puts me off, and I will probably never be able to eat bugs of any kind like you see on Bizarre Foods on the Travel Channel.

  
  What is your favorite dessert?
  - I'm not a dessert person.  I like lemon pie, but that doesn't require a meal precursing it.
  
  
  PART 8: RELATIONSHIPS AND LOVE
  __________________________________
  
  Are you single or taken?
  - It's cheaper to list 'taken' on your taxes.

  
  If taken who is the lucky guy/girl?
  - I think Scott feels more like I'm a pain in the butt sometimes, but as long as I keep making pie, he says I'm all right and I get the thumbs up.
  
  Do you believe in love at first sight?
  - I really had no idea it could happen until I went there myself and saw the ocean for the first time.  My heart belongs to the sea now.
  
  Repost this as "The History of (your name)

  (you can email this to yourself for a copy)

   

  • 9:41 am
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