Jack Bauer

  • 'not sure why I'm doing this survey' survey

    When falling asleep, do you ever feel like you stopped breathing?
    I get the coolest most intense dreams when my CO2 builds up. I don't actually stop breathing, and I don't have sleep apnea. I get too relaxed and take a long time between breaths.

    Was your first kiss perfect?
    I have never had a perfect kiss. I'm not sure anyone has. Chasing the perfect kiss in our dreams is a brain drug, it gets us through hard stuff.

    Exactly what is perfection to you?
    If a moment is perfect, you have to let it go as quickly as it came, and it will never come back, or else you ruin it. Perfection, in our minds, is hanging onto that moment, but that's an illusion.

    Do you ever feel like you think too much about the person you love?
    I wonder what the world would be like right now if everyone thought about the people they love instead of the people they hate.

    Are you someone who has to analyze everything?
    I've spent a lifetime ignoring what makes other people tick, I'm not about to start now.

    Whats the last thing that scared the hell out of you?
    Giant spider in my kitchen. Nothing gets your mind off like nearly stepping on a spider as wide as your bare foot. (Wow, this one is old, I wrote that months ago.)

    Has anyone ever made you cry just by saying I love you?
    This has way deeper significance when you know that person literally cannot say anything else and hasn't been able to have a conversation with you in over two years, and you know it's getting close, and they look you in the eyes and tell you they love you, and you know they mean it, and there are millions of unspoken words that come with it that let you know everything is forgiven and nothing is in the way any more. Yes, you go home and bawl your eyes out. ****Ok, I let this one sit awhile, and I keep coming back and reading it, and it comes across weird and creepy, so I'll clarify a little. My mom died a long slow death from several big strokes that left her very deficit both physically and cognitively. I was not close to my mom growing up, felt rather picked on continually for what none of us realized was Asperger's, never felt forgiven, and never really felt loved, although I'm sure she never meant for that to happen. When she started having strokes there were so many unfinished emotions that never got resolved, and despite the relief I felt that I no longer had to tolerate her unceasing judgement, years of taking care of her and watching her slowly spiral down were anguishing. I learned over that time that nothing means more to our lives on this planet than resolving our relationship issues before it's too late. There is just nothing else comparable to the real meaning of life that goes round and round your head, if you don't get those solved you feel like you failed somehow at why you were here. During her last couple of years I was seeing a psychologist for help with my Asperger's and social skills and whatnot, really eye opening stuff for me, and I began to realize and understand what it must have been like for *her* to raise a child like me. She's not a bad person, but without her own social safety net and support system, she was lost and flying blind, and made ever so many mistakes. My memories of my childhood are fairly tragic in places. By the time she reached her last summer, I was reaching a place where I could let all that go, where I wanted God to erase it all and just make it ok, because we really had made it through our stuff, and I no longer wanted or needed validation or recompense or some kind of understanding or forgiveness. I just loved her and wished I could go back in time and give her lots of hugs and tell her everything was going to be all right. And that is the magic. The last time I saw her awake and somewhat responsive, and I guess this sometimes happens when people with brain problems near death seem to snap back into momentary coherency, she suddenly locked eyes with me and grinned so big like she was not only glad to see me (that had never happened in my life), but like we had a big fun secret just between the two of us. And for the first time in my life, as well, especially with the Asperger's, I locked eyes right back at her and grinned right back, and every bit of it was "I love you, too", no hesitation, no baggage. That moment, as in a previous question further up, was PERFECT. And then I went home and bawled my eyes out, because one moment was all we got. She went blank and never looked at me again, and died a couple of months later.

    Who is the last person you pushed out of your life? Why?
    I'm not sure if it's so much push as flee. Maybe I push for a reason to be there, I find it so easy to just disappear from people. This has everything to do with when I disappeared off the internet.

    Do you have any life changing plans within the next 6 months?

    Do you have any awkward music downloaded on your ipod?
    It's not at all awkward that I don't own an ipod.

    How do you feel about the first person you kissed?
    I just discovered that the Priceline Negotiator isn't dead after all! I have a thing for William Shatner.

    What was the first thing you did on your birthday?
    Thanked God I made it this far.

    Has anyone left a lasting impression on you recently?
    The person I swiped this survey from. I don't have the heart to erase this. "Not really. Like am I supposed to hate Emily's twin? Because she dresses slutty? I don't hate her." It just cracks me up.

    As of right now, how do you feel about your future?
    Well, if Montgomery Ward can come back from epic fail, anything's possible. We got a little catalog in the mail this week.

    Who is the last person you ran into unexpectedly?
    Awkward run-ins are my forte. I have a knack for making them especially awkward because I don't mind public embarrassment and humiliation as much as other people do.

    Do you think your ex is over you?
    I never think about this kind of stuff.

    What kind of perfume do you wear?
    I'm allergic, wah.

    Is it expensive?
    And I'm allergic to everyone else wearing perfume. You guys suck.

    What was the last songs you sang out loud?

    Is sex something special, or just for fun?
    Everybody wants to know about my sex life, it just kills people that I won't say anything about how it all works for me. Kinda like when Vulcans go all pon farr, humans suddenly grow antennae and wanna watch.

    Are you too sensitive for your own good?
    The ironical bit is that, even though the Asperger's has my nervous system wired like I'm tripping through mine fields, I'm often maddeningly calloused and indifferent to other people's emotional needs and feelings.


  • survivalists- end of the world, 2012- mach II

    Burt Gummer.

    Jack Bauer.


    What do all these people have in common?  None of them are afraid to kill, gut, and skin a rabbit with their bare hands.

    I have to laugh at all the direct referral hits I've already gotten to my previous very tongue in cheek post, end of the world, 2012, from not only from places like New Jersey and Connecticut, but countries like India and the United Arab Emirates.  Some of you probably thought that was silly.  I guarantee you, there are a LOT of people in this world who are counting down to December 21, 2012, especially when the solar storms start happening.

    Some of you (and me) are mostly blowing it off, thinking it'll just be another one of those creepy prophecy things that get a bunch of people jumpy, and therefore affect the rest of us in negative ways.  But others of you are seriously hoping you'll be raptured before chaos ensues, or thinking some crazy terrorists are going to take it all as a sign to act, or simply just scared out of your minds that whatever happens, the grocery stores and gas stations will run empty and the hospitals will be full and communications will be zapped out and people will panic and start shooting one another.

    I mentioned that it's important we all get chickens to survive this.  An alert reader told me rabbits might be better.  They are quieter and easier to hide from looters who would steal your food supply.  I concur.  Get rabbits, too.  And while you're at it, compost their droppings with trays of earthworms.  You never know when you'll need a worm.

    My dad grew up in a unique and very short era of U.S. history, after land was pretty much settled, shortly after technology started sweeping the nation, but before we were truly united into a homogenous mindset via talk shows and x boxes.  Dad graduated from the 8th grade with a high school diploma after a final exam that makes our college entrance exams look pretty wimpy, then moved on to become a real cowboy in Gunnison, Colorado.  He once saw a man shoot a dog dead from a bucking horse with one shot.  Why?  Because the dog was irritating the horse.  My dad and his brothers were called the Black Hat Boys, and they lived in a bunk house on the ranch and everything.

    When my dad was a boy he had a pet coyote, and he shot a lot of rabbits.  Rabbits were a real problem to crops back then, and could ruin a farmer nearly over night, so he has a LOT of experience with how rabbits live, hide, run, and get caught in little snares.

    When I was in high school we lived on a fairly big acreage, and one day Dad caught a rabbit and showed me how to survive if I was ever caught away from home without a knife and was able to catch a rabbit.  He said they are the hardest animals on the earth to kill off, but the easiest thing to kill once you've got one.  And it really was easy, as long as you aren't squeamish about it.  So I'm going to share with you here how to kill a rabbit with your bare hands, in the event that you get caught away from home without a knife, and the world all around you is falling apart and forcing you to starve.  It's up to you to be watching those Survivorman shows and learn how to start a fire and catch the rabbit in the first place.

    So if you don't like details and icky stuff and feel terrible about eating Thumper, close your eyes *right now*.

    If you are right handed, once you've pounced on your rabbit (watch out, they claw and bite like mad), grasp the back of the neck real good so you can get hold of both hind feet with your left hand, and stretch it out on its belly so it has to quit fighting.  Hold it up, left hand high, and when it will dangle when you let go of the neck, make a real fast and hard karate chop at a 45 degree angle down on the skull just behind the head.  That can actually pop it's head right off if you are strong enough, but mostly it's to break its neck and kill it.  If you are squeamish and make a wimpy chop, you'll feel awful that you just caused the rabbit a great deal of pain and drop it while it squeals in terrible anguish and alerts the whole world to your presence, so be tough and get that chop right the first time.  It would suck if you were a wuss and starved to death.

    Ok, the rabbit is dead, so the next thing is to get the skin off.  Easy peasy.  The skin will pop apart at the ankles on the hind legs, and you pull it inside out right off the rabbit over the head, if it's still attached.  At this point, you really need to snap that head off.  If you want to keep the skin, toss it messy side up out of the way so it won't get sticky and full of crap that's tenaciously hard to get off later.  If you want to know how to fix up a rabbit skin to wear for makeshift moccasins, in the event of the world coming to an end, again, it is your responsibility to be watching the proper tv shows *now*.

    The skin is off, but you still need the guts out.  While you are still holding it up by the hind legs, poke a hole in the uppermost part of the soft belly area and rip down, making an opening from the tail to the ribs.  Then, if you are very good at stuff like this, you can swing that carcass down toward the ground and fling those guts right out.  No kidding, I actually saw my dad do this.  Didn't have to get his hands messy at all.

    Now you are ready to put your rabbit on a stick and toast him over a homemade fire.

    My dad did every bit of that in less than 10 seconds flat.  Snap, skin, guts.  Good to go.

    Remember, we are Homo Sapien Sapiens.  We come from a long line of survivalists.  Using our bare hands to make a rabbit sandwich actually comes very natural to us.  If you want to use a stick or a rock, that's fine, but if you happen to have a knife in your pocket, awesome.  Might slow you down, though.

    I don't think it's going to be that hard to survive the world ending in 2012, but just in case, you'll at least know how to get a rabbit ready for a snack.

    I appreciate that some of you might not find this kind of post entertaining, but let's be honest.  Whether the world ends in 2012 or not, this can't last forever.  This utopia of super highways and the nearly instant transport of goods and services by sheer comparison of, say, getting through the ice age, simply can't last.  Our earth is not made to stall into one temperature zone that perfectly fits our lifestyles, our sun can't be tamed not to screw up our Tom-Toms, cell phones, and satellite reception in a couple of years, and we've all seen the endless flooding and earthquakes and stuff.  Unless scientists and engineers and trillions upon trillions of dollars can mold this earth into a homo sapien dream world pretty quickly, it's really not going to take a whole lot to mess it all up again, and it's not going to be because you left your car running to keep it cool while you run into a convenience store for a soda pop.

    Humans have spent tens of thousands of years scraping an existence out of the rocks.  Yes, bunnies are cute.  It's wonderful that we are able to live in an age of mankind where we can even stick up for bunny rights and refuse to eat them.  But deep down, where you came from was kill or be killed.  Do or die.

    Don't laugh at the survivalists.  When things start going wrong, they'll be ready.  In the meantime, enjoy your pizza and your World of Warcraft that other people made possible in your lives.

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I've started transferring my survey posts over to Surveypalooza so people coming in from search engines on mobile devices will be able to see the surveys.


Apologies for the missing vids, another upgrade during the server migration swept through like a scan sweeping through the Enterprise. I'll fix those later, kinda busy...

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