Stars on a blue spectrum are moving toward us.  Ever since I was born I have been fascinated by this kind of blue, blue light, blue in nature.  I even wanted to be blue.  Blue skin, blue hair.  I sometimes dream in vivid blue.

Sometimes I feel like I have memories of something other than here as I am now.  I have tried reading a few new age books and am a little disappointed at the consistent romanticism, although I long ago reached the conclusion in my childhood without anyone telling me this, that we are here to learn, and that if we fail to learn while we have the chance we get 'stuck' or something.  Getting stuck is far worse suffering than any suffering we go through learning to sacrifice ourselves for love.  Respect and courtesy for others in any shape or form is more important than any ideas we get in our heads that drive us apart with disdain and violence.  Appreciation and contentment are more important than acquisition and pride.  Truth is good, forgiveness is better.  Our learning boils down to whether we pick being selfish or being selfless.  Will we destroy others, or will we become wise and puzzle a way to get along?

If it is true that we travel around this universe (and others?) in all kinds of bodies while our spirits learn and grow wise, then I know I have been other places than here.

Time and distance have no meaning outside this box that contains time and distance.

As a child I looked up at the night sky and knew I came from out there.  I felt this long before I ever encountered the idea.  I feel like this place now, although I like it very much, is a place I am visiting.  This feeling is congruent with many beliefs, including Christianity, Buddhism, and atheism.

When I first was, I was joy.  I was energy- glorious, thrilling, exhilarating energy.  I knew nothing else.  I swam in an endless world of joyful energy, all of us bouncing and rebounding, racing, feeling nothing but joy.

That is what being alive starts out as, I am sure of it.  I feel like I remember it.  It's a very old memory, one I cherish, one I miss sometimes, without really knowing this or understanding it.  But I want to feel that joy again.  I want to feel that exhilaration and energy and swim in a sea of joy.

Was that the big bang?  Was that the beginning of this universe?  Will I ever know?

Over a great deal of time, I feel I became aware of a little bit going on around me.  This is me, that is not me.  I bump into that.  That is what being alive starts teaching us.  We are not alone.  We interact.  And over a great deal of time, we learn that we affect one another.

We start simply.  Photons?  Were we light?  They say we come from the stars, but I'm sure that assumes our bodies are made of the elements created in the stars.  What about our spirits, who we are?  Is there more than this body?  I feel like there is way, way more.

Over another great deal of time we learn concepts.  Survive.  Work to survive.  Cooperate to survive.  Absorb to survive.  Kill to survive.  Rocks don't do this.  Algae, viruses, cells, organisms.  Are cells self aware in some tiny way?  Is that how a universe of cells in a body can communicate and cooperate so quickly?  Can we become more than knee-jerk reaction, more than mindless consumption?