aspie

of horses and ACT scores

Ran into a checkout lady at Walmart last night who I went to high school with. Wow, this next spring will be 30 years. If I run into her again I might give her my phone number and say Hey, let's go to the reunion. I've never been to one, and she's been in another state most of her marriage. We had lockers next to each other one year. Not exactly friends, but not enemies. I was so withdrawn back then that I don't recall a whole lot, but she remembered that I was a 'brain' (in spite of the fact that I was nearly failing high school) and asked if I became a doctor or anything. Wow. Would anybody really actually care? I was surprised. But she seemed cool about it all.

On the way home Scott asked me a bunch of questions about high school. I tested out in the 3rd percentile but still fell through all the cracks because no one knew I had Asperger's, and I was unresponsive and reclusive and didn't have a clue what the testing meant because no one really took the time with me. They just assumed I was sullen. Back then I still wasn't able to look at people in the face very well, yet I had a significant attitude problem. Might be kinda funny going to a reunion and seeing what a few people think of me winding up having been on the autism spectrum all that time. Explains a lot.

5 years after high school I retook the ACT to get into college and scored 32 or something, without any coaching or practicing. That or it was 33 or 34, but I'd rather err on the side of caution. I pretty much felt like I bumbled my way into college. Back then I was still so spacey with the Asperger's, wasn't disciplined to focus and connect the dots, and unfortunately wound up getting an advisor that was fired a semester later. I free floated through most of my degree program, looking at classes like a big smorgasbord. It took years for me to learn to connect the dots, but I soaked it all in like a sponge along the way. Scott was aghast last night to find out that I'd scored so high and STILL managed to fall through nearly every crack in the system with no clear direction. It's funny how long you can live with a person and never realize, eh? Yes, I'm one of those super smart people. I'm a few steps away from being Rainman. (There but for the grace of God go I.) But because it took me so many years to learn to communicate in this marriage, seriously, it just wasn't evident.

I don't care any more about test scores, but I remember taking the GRE to get into grad school, and I scored super high on two of the tests and below average on the third. They nearly didn't let me into grad school because I failed the 'logic' part, but the other two were so high that the two old professors muttering to each other across the room where I couldn't hear actually acted like people do on tv. Scratched their heads, raised their eyebrows, let out one of those big sighs with puffed cheeks that means *wow*.... I never really understood that I'd outscored almost everyone else there on those two tests. I still don't know what it all means. No one has ever sat down with me and explained it. Yes, I scored high, but what does it ~mean~? I don't even understand how I understood how to answer the questions.

Curiously, I went on to learn how to administer psychological testing and write up evaluations in my first masters degree program. That was the first time someone told me I'm 'unusual'. One of my teachers had been testing people for 30 years and had never seen anyone like me. He said if he hadn't met me in person and could see for himself that I'm perfectly mentally healthy, he'd have written me up as schizophrenic, based on the psyche tests alone that we took as we learned to wield them.

THAT is what it's like living with Asperger's. That's what it's like being on the autism spectrum. I managed to break through the barrier of social interaction and communication on my own, without a diagnosis or psychological intervention for many years. I think more of us manage to do this than is realized. We *know* stuff. We can take information and turn it into cool stuff, some of us more on an 'eventually' scale of time. To some people it might seem useless that we can be so detail oriented, to others we are cool. But until we learn to verbalize it on a level other people can 'get', some of us fall through a whole lotta cracks. Until intelligence probability is taken as seriously as social skills when average parents are freaking out that something is wrong with their autistic kids, this world will continue to miss out on some spectacular problem solving opportunities.

Imagine where I could be with my life if someone had taken my testing seriously enough to spend some quality time helping me and my parents plan out an education and figure out how to get the financing. I did it all absolutely *on* *my* *own*, because I was socially deficit and fell through the cracks. I think our public education system is what's deficit. I think it is set up to fail. But who am I to say, I was just this weird kid who thought it was funny to get others to cheat off me and flunk tests. And now I think the burgeoning view the media is generating about 'catching' autism early is creating a public awareness deficit that is turning autism into the next birth defect or environmental witch hunt.

No, I didn't turn out to be a doctor. But I'm a good person, a good cook, a good mom, a good wife, and I'm content. I think the most important thing I have learned in this life is contentment. If it takes a genius to figure that one out, then there you go. A few of you out there are completely missing the deeper point to that statement, like be content with who your children are.

I see a few parents blogging here and there about the difficulties of getting a kid with Asperger's into college and keeping them there, etc. I had a 5 year break after high school, then went to college on my own, and conquered every obstacle by myself. When I got out of high school I got a job and got married and got divorced, just like a bunch of people do, then asked myself what I want. I knew I wanted more than the mundane world around me. Sooner or later we all figure out where we fit. If you've got an aspie on your hands, sooner or later they'll crave more input. They'll figure out sooner or later where their niche is if you quit pushing.

I compare myself to a horse. I see that some people handle horses well, others don't. Horses can be high strung, anxious, rebellious, strong headed, distrusting, and even mean, depending on their experiences in life. A good handler knows how to get the best out of a horse without having to treat the horse badly. A good handler understands how the horse's mind works, and acts in a way the horse understands in order to get the behavior he or she wants out of the horse. I think people on the autism spectrum are a lot like horses. With good and patient handling, we eventually learn to respond well, but it takes time. If you've got a horse on your hands that simply responds to all commands on cue without showing any sign of intelligence whatsoever, you've got a 'broken' horse. That is what aspies turn out to be when they are put through programs trying to 'fix' them and force them to respond to social cues. When how the horse responds becomes more important than the horse itself, you've got a sad situation on your hands. Many smart horses are molded into dumb horses because all that is wanted is certain social behaviors out of them.

Some people brag about being good with animals. I think it's nice when someone brags about being good with aspies. Stop grading the behaviors and love the child. Are you a dog person or a cat person? I hear it all the time. There are magazines for horse and bird owners. There are people who raise odd things like possums and wolves and snakes. If people could learn to see different personality types the same way they do animals, enjoying what is unique about them, I wonder how much the world would change. It intrigues me that aspies can behave almost the same way someone's pet does, on a more basic automatic in the moment level, but the aspie is treated worse for it while the pet is loved because it's cute or something.

Maybe that's why I don't care about test scores. I'm not cute and lovable because I'm not all furry or scaly or feathery or something, so I see no reason to perform for any other kind of attention. You know why I'm not a doctor? Besides having absolutely no moral support whatsoever as a person who wouldn't respond on cue, I thought it would take too long. Too long for what? I had no sense of time! I wound up spending *more* time in college than I would have if I'd gone for a medical degree. But plain and simple, that was it. I actually wanted to go into the medical field, and I bet I'd have been pretty good at it, but I had no idea what to expect and how to plan and no one going over it with me. There you go. I'm a brain, and I'm not a doctor. And I could tell you the disdain I have for House.

So the wild horse went galloping off toward the mountains, untamable and carefree. And then woke up one year and realized she was a human.
- 9:42 pm
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asocial vs. antisocial

I was recently corrected in a psychologist's office over using the term 'antisocial'. He said the proper term for me is 'asocial'. I've looked both these up in online dictionaries, and they seem to be interchangeable. But I guess the nitty gritty psychewise is that asocial simply means avoiding being social. Antisocial also carries a connotation of harmful intent.

So when I say I am antisocial, I am not saying I want to hurt people. I'm not the road rage type, I'm not into any kind of revenge, don't actually delight in another's misfortune or pain. I might think it's *funny* if it's highly ironic, but no, I'm not into harmful intent.

I do tend to hate idiots, though.

It's a fun pastime. I don't spew and loathe and foam at the mouth, it's more like a fun hobby that I get a kick out of. For instance, as soon as my mind is off, it doesn't exist for me any more. I've been around other people that fume about gays or illegal aliens or whatever- THAT is not me. I'm not into THAT kind of antisocial.

So I guess from now on I will say I'm *a*social.

From definition of asocial by the Free Online Dictionary

a·so·cial (

-s

adj.

1. Not social: "Bears are asocial, secretive animals" David Graber.

2. Avoiding or averse to the society of others; not sociable: "It's not that you're so asocial, but a man who likes people doesn't wind up in the Antarctic" Saul Bellow.

3. Unable or unwilling to conform to normal standards of social behavior; antisocial: "crime, riots, drug use and other asocial behavior" Derek Shearer.

4. Inconsiderate of others; self-centered.

One that exhibits behavior and characteristics deemed asocial: "the other, and usually neglected, victims . . . the asocials . . . those who violated the Nazi work ethic and social norms" Mary Nolan.

Adj.	1.	asocial - given to avoiding association with others; "bears are asocial secretive animals"; "are you asocial or do you just enjoy living in the Antarctic?" unsocial - not seeking or given to association; being or living without companions; "the unsocial disposition to neglect one's neighbors"
	2.	asocial - hostile to or disruptive of normal standards of social behavior; "criminal behavior or conduct that violates the rights of other individuals is antisocial"; "crimes...and other asocial behavior"; "an antisocial deed" antisocial unsocial - not seeking or given to association; being or living without companions; "the unsocial disposition to neglect one's neighbors"

I think this one's better.

asocial/antisocial

Someone who doesn’t enjoy socializing at parties might be described as either “asocial” or “antisocial’; but “asocial” is too mild a term to describe someone who commits an antisocial act like planting a bomb. “Asocial” suggests indifference to or separation from society, whereas “anti-social” more often suggests active hostility toward society.

So. I am asocial. I tend to avoid people unless I have to talk to them about something. I tend to hold my arms in and try not to touch people in public places. I avoid eye contact unless I'm 'scouting' for what's going on around me.

On the other hand, I'm also an easy talker, if I feel a subject is worthy. If I feel a person needs someone to listen, I'll even spend a little time listening, but I can handle only so much. If asking a few questions shows me that person is determined to wallow in a tiny world with tunnel vision and blinders, I may not listen very long. If that person just wants to fume about other people in general, I may just walk away. If that person can tell me something interesting and informative or is working through figuring out their life, I may stand there for ages asking questions and prompting more info.

I am a conflict. I can easily say I don't like people, and just as easily say I enjoy watching them. They amuse me. I can study them as groups or interactive individuals and have a blast writing up an analysis on them. I might even grow rather fond of certain people for some reason. But I don't go out of my way to make friends with them. For some reason, making friends with anyone spoils it for me. Getting to know someone too well really turns me off. I can be empathetic, and I can understand having bad days, but I really hate it when people suddenly start talking to me about their sex lives or their latest shopping trip or what they hate about the president.

You know how people in general like pets? Pets don't talk. I have a feeling we'd really dislike our pets if they could talk. If your dog talked incessantly about hating cat poop even though it's never around or worried constantly about dog food having too many calories, you'd probably get tired of it real fast.

And that is what I 'hate' about people. They get stuck on the dumbest things, like hating someone irrelevant, or calories, or something is so cute ~awwww~. I'd rather listen to a lecture on socket wrenches.

If that makes me a freak, I'm fine with it. I'm an asocial freak.

11:34 am
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self stim

Quick warning in case you got here by accident or misunderstanding. This article rather directly handles a particular sexual issue related to autism spectrum disorders. This is not porn, slash, or erotica.

Self stim is a nice euphamism for sex stim. "Stim", in this sense, is repetitive neurological stimulation, which is usually enacted to ease sensory overload in autistic kids. Stim is any repetitive motion or sensory stimulation, sex or self stim involves using the genitalia for this purpose. Sex stim is not automatically an issue with all autism related cases, and it could be an issue with other challenges, so this is a general post for anyone looking for more on sex stim to see if they are normal, which I did a few months ago and found basically *nothing*. I think people are point blank afraid to talk about it. Perhaps this is an extremely tender subject in a politically correct atmosphere full of internet porn and child molestation and rape and therefore not openly discussed, who knows. Again, to be clear, this article is based on my experiences with Asperger's syndrome and is in no way related to being sexually abused in any way, or to abusing children.

I first heard the words "self stim" when I babysat an autistic girl while her mom went to college classes. She didn't discuss it except to let me know it was normal for these kids to do this, and not to worry about it, as long as she wasn't hurting herself. This little girl was seven years old, nonverbal, and virtually unresponsive to interaction. At this time I was in my mid 20's. I babysat this girl for a couple of years and have nothing else pertinent to relay here. I was uninterested in whether she self stimmed or not. The hardest part was getting her to eat.

I myself was a self stimmer as a child. Back in the 'old days' I'm sure that was pretty awful, my rather uptight religious mom especially being horrified and embarrassed over almost every little thing I did. But I was not clearly diagnostically autistic, and I remember one old doctor telling my mom she was a bad mother when she asked him about the constant 'masturbating', which in the 1960's was a very taboo subject. I was around 5. My mom cried all the way home. I look back now and see she went through some very disturbing psychological scarring over the lack of knowledge and info that we have nowadays as we are learning more about the autism spectrum.

I've mentioned a few times in other posts that I had very little or no self awareness as a child. I did not relate my actions to consequences, and I especially didn't realize that other people's behaviors toward me had anything to do with my own behavior. So you can imagine the confusion I went through in kindergarten and first grade and on and on as I very gradually became 'awake' to social interaction. But in the meantime, I self stimmed every chance I got because I was miserably nervous and high strung, and looking back, I don't recall ever seeing any other child in school doing this. I can see now why my kindergarten and first grade teachers begged my mother to get me to a psychiatrist, along with other obvious behavioral problems.

I'd like to differentiate sex stimming from masturbating. It's not really the same thing, as far as I can tell. A stim of any kind is more of an impulse to relieve overstimulation in the brain. Masturbation is a conscious decision to pursue pleasure or relieve a discomfort, kind of like deciding what to have for lunch. When it comes to sex stim, I'm sure it's difficult not to think of the two as the same thing, but since I have done both, I think I can verbalize now what that difference is to people who have never experienced the urgent need to stim in any way. I talk more about general stimming in my post 'stimming at work' and how difficult it is for the public in general to understand the sheer need to 'fidget', as it used to be called. Stim is very calming, self stim is pure nirvana, and both are usually done almost unconsciously or automatically, whereas masturbation is a very conscious act and carries its own baggage of uber self awareness. And that's the difference. Self stim isn't consciously embarrassing unless someone makes it so, because the person doing it is going through an automatic response to sensory overload in the brain. As a person on the autism spectrum gets older and realizes there are social sexual issues tied up in self stimming, it becomes a sacred hidden part of ourselves that has to be rigidly controlled, because otherwise we would be 'bad' people. And please don't assume from this that anyone with Asperger's needs to self stim all the time. I know some people are bad for making leaps of assumption and generalizations that aren't true in the least, so read this line- I am NOT saying everyone with an autism spectrum disorder goes through this. So don't look at some guy or chick you just found out has Asperger's and go, oh.... That's the bad part of sharing this kind of stuff, many people mistake it for something else and run with MISinformation. Maybe that's why we're not openly talking about it... And it's quite possible I'm a little deeper on the spectrum than some, and this may be a more unique experience than I think it is, and I may actually be bridging a gap between nonverbals and normals who merely observe autistic self stim in children. I really don't know. But I do think it's an important issue that needs to be addressed for the emotional health of those who have gone through self stim and waking up to self awareness and having to sort it all out.

As a child, I never once thought of self stim as a concept, much less an activity to share with anyone. I didn't think "That feels good, I'm going to do it." When I discovered swing set poles in kindergarten, I simply left this world and was violently ripped back into it by the faculty or staff and carried back into the classroom. I have never in my adult life experienced sexual gratification that even came close to what I experienced as a child doing self stim, whether I am having sex with someone or masturbating. There is such a difference in my brain that I can't even think of self stim as sex. From the harshness of childhood and the terrified responses from adults around me, yes, I learned it's a private thing, and I learned to hide it so I wouldn't be cruelly picked on or punished, but it took years to even learn that. That's how lacking in self awareness I was. By second grade I had some idea that I could probably avoid some of the social suffering I went through, but it was several more years before I understood why.

The '60s were a time of schism between a new culture of 'free love' and very uptight mainstream religion, and guess which parents I got. I had no idea what the word sex even meant until the 5th grade, and had no idea beyond watching farm animals what it was for. By the time I was in middle school I still had no idea the kids around me not only knew what sex was, but were already having abortions. I was completely oblivious to the world of sexuality, yet privately I still self stimmed almost constantly on bad days. It was all I could do to hide it from everyone, and believe me, the impulses were irrational and overwhelming. I was a slave to it as much as any person is to addiction. That's the hard thing about self stim, it does become quite addicting as a nirvana escape for emotional overload, and I was one of the unlucky ones who went through constant haranguing and punishment for a number of trivial behaviors that most people now think is normal kid behavior.

I'm not going to go beyond that into more details. Too many people get off on details. But oddly, and this is key to understanding who I am, I am actually asexual. I am married, I have sex with my husband, but I'm not sexually attracted to other people, and I have a great deal of difficulty sharing myself sexually. It has nothing to do with the self stim. It is because I'm naturally antisocial and my senses are extremely heightened. I tense very easily over new smells, loud noises, light flickering, and personal space. It took me a long time to be ok with shaking hands, and even longer to learn I can hug people when they come at me for a hug, so imagine living with a social deficit and trying to be a sexual person. I find it nearly impossible. I do like Scott, however, and think he's the bomb, my best friend in the whole world for nearly 18 years now, so I'm ok with him, and he's fine with me being me. Some people might think it's weird, but frankly, neither one of us is very good at romance, and I already suck at eye contact and special moments, so it's more like being silly and having fun, which I really like. But I could never do that with anyone else. When I was young and running around, I drank a little with other kids and fooled around, but if it hadn't been for the alcohol, it wouldn't have been possible for me at all.

So I'm going through my midlife thing, looking back on all my stuff and getting it all sorted out, and thinking I can't *possibly* be the only person who has gone through this self stim mess and all the angst that has come with it. And I bet there are other people out there who would love to find out there are other people like them, as well, and so I'm putting it out there. If you googled 'sex stim' and arrived here at this blog post, hello, you're normal. I validate you. It's ok.

And for parents of kids like me who are trying to figure out how to handle the whole self stim thing-- just tell them to keep it in their room and shut the door. That's all you have to do. Simply put, it's personal, it's down time for an overloaded kid, and quiet time for you, so walk away. And protect them from other people taking advantage of their unawareness. Too many children are sexually abused already. Never assume other people around you don't find it stimulating and blow it off. Protect your kids. Gently teach them what privacy is for. Let them know that everyone has to leave them alone while they do that, so they know it's not right to be taken advantage of. Our bodies are our own.
- 2:35 pm
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bluejacky

I've started transferring my survey posts over to Surveypalooza so people coming in from search engines on mobile devices will be able to see the surveys.

Apologies for the missing vids, another upgrade during the server migration swept through like a scan sweeping through the Enterprise. I'll fix those later, kinda busy...