I totally know I suck. I have blogged about how I suck as a friend for years. Every little bit I put out reminder posts. Last year I tried to tell someone I’m not good at this, sooner or later all my friends walk away, and I’m especially horrible about not being a phone person. I’m aspie, this is how my heads works. Well, I agreed to at least try, but I did say that would be my last attempt at having a real friend again, the kind of daily friend that is privy to all the secrets and mood swings and real life stuff.
During this friendship I was told I couldn’t talk to certain people and was strongly ‘encouraged’ to unfollow and even block them on my many media. I had to apologize several times for simply just talking to other people. I was cajoled for not responding in a timely manner in public I can’t say how many times, so I developed a habit of continually checking the feed to show ‘support’. Soon that habit turned into my time becoming more and more occupied by this person’s interests (not mine) until I was spending ten hours a week watching tv shows I really didn’t have time for and hanging out in private discussions instead of talking to my own husband, children, sisters… I noticed an imbalance in the force- it was ok for my friend to get upset at the drop of a hat, but not ok for me to do that. It was ok for my friend to make demands, but not ok for me to need extra help. Unless I somehow fit into my friend’s preset conditions, I wasn’t allowed to be myself at all, and the times I tried to cross the line and at least explain I was gotten after like I was a child. Just drop it. Don’t do that. Don’t be like that. Drop it.
I’m aspie. It’s impossible for me to ‘drop’ someone’s incongruity.
Sure enough, something happened. I had a problem with another person that got me very upset, and instead of the support I thought I’d get, I got instructions to be quiet, more or less brush it under the rug, ignore it, keep playing along. After being told who I couldn’t talk to and had to unfollow in order to show support, my friend completely ignored that I was treated badly and not only kept up appearances, but went out of her way to ‘snuggle up’ with the offender, as it were. If I had done that…? All hell would have broken loose all over my head. And after what this friend confided to me in private over the last year, I was truly surprised, because I was privy to some pretty strong feelings about this other person at different times. That she kept playing along in public was a complete ruse. Until this happened. Suddenly she became the queen of her public with this person. I was walked right over like I didn’t even exist. Wow.
I spent about three weeks thinking about what I want to do about all this so I can move past it and get back to my own path. That’s what aspies do, we THINK about things. I don’t go around stomping on people’s heads and bombing them with my feelings. I know feelings are transient. I know I hurt people when I have big feelings. I usually wait till the big feelings go on by so I can think more clearly about what is going on. And personally, I think a couple of people that I’ve been hanging out with kinda suck themselves.
I’m so horrible that I finalized unfriending/unfollowing the other person on all my media on Friendship Day. I didn’t realize until later that happened, but when I did realize it I got the giggles. My lot in life is to monumentally screw things up without realizing it. I’m a natural pointer outer of incongruity, and I’m forever stepping innocently into the offensive without a thought or a clue. How more perfect could it be than Friendship Day.
My friend recently announced she has found a new friend, someone so special that she hobnobs with celebrities, someone who will talk girl talk with her on the phone for a whole hour. GOOD! Live and be well. Maybe I can move on now. Maybe now she’ll stop stalking my feeds and retweeting/sharing everything trying to get my attention with notifications (that is a bizarre head game I really don’t get) and maybe she’ll even stop making offhanded comments about #amwriting NOT a blog, as if blogging is for the little people. I tried for a solid year to get her back into writing after she blew up with a prominent internet scifi magazine. She eventually just told me 1- she doesn’t care if she never writes again, and even said 2- she thinks it’s ok if she drinks herself to death. Our private hangout became so dismal I could barely function. I know severe depression when I see it, and I knew *I* can’t help her. I put a stop to the private stuff to force her back out of her hole, and look at her, she’s out now and being glorious. You’re welcome.
I don’t care any more about nurturing private friendships, the pattern of which I keep seeing actually means enabling other people’s depressions. I don’t mean that to sound as awful as it looks. I actually care a great deal, to the point of sacrificing my own life, time, relationships, and my own writing. Friendships exhaust me. I was never in my childhood carried or pampered or even worried about in all the misfortunes I’ve gone through, I’ve spent my adulthood in some pretty rotten places, and I’m grateful I’m in a position to thrive now. The only friend I’ve ever truly had is my husband, and I’m good with that. If my friend has found another friend that can plug into exactly what she needs the way she needs it and be happy doing it, *yay*.
I think my overall point is that I’m not going out of my way any more for other people’s heads while mine gets walked on. And one more thing. There are people in this world who’d have given an arm or leg to have me that much to themselves in private. I’ve had to peel people off in the past, but this time I was determined to really try to be a good friend. You know what? I suck. I’ll thank the rest of you take note. Yeah, that’s right, I might just suck enough to blog about you on my aspie blog.