Month: August 2008

  • the accidental soul traveler


    I was never a new ager.  I grew up Christian between a Mennonite father and a mainstream Christian mother.  I was never exposed to anything other than that excepting to science fiction through the tv, which back then was pretty dismal, and book titles as I walked through book stores.
    Since I was a very small child, and mostly during high fevers since my parents didn't take me to doctors after the age of 6, I have had strange experiences in my sleep that didn't fit what I knew in my waking life.  Once in awhile I would catch myself 'drifting out' along a wall or window, across the room from my body.  I would be able to see minute details up close, such as cracks in the paint, dust on the window, or a bug that should have been impossible to see from my bed.
    I didn't talk about these things.  Being on the autism spectrum, I wasn't inclined to share anything in my head in the first place.  But I also had parents who either ignored me or staunchly regarded such things as being of the devil.  I knew better than to bring it up once I realized I'd like to know more.
    I spent hours lying in bed doing things in my head as I transitioned from preteen to teenager.  I was also very active and did lots of things outside, like biking and climbing trees, frequently testing to see how high a fence I could jump, or inventing new games with the other kids.  But during quiet times, I preferred being left alone to 'think'.  I didn't realize back then I have a unique form of synesthesia and was doing thought experiments.
    I didn't realize until I was grown up and well into my 30's that not all my dreams are just dreams.  I had known for a long time that in some dreams I follow roads, visit buildings, watch people, witness disasters, and sometimes even 'step in' and feel other people as themselves, but I didn't take it seriously until I woke up upset from one dream in which I had tried to interact and had scared the other people in my dream half to death.  Could they really see me?  I assumed in the dream they could, but it was a dream, wasn't it?
    I have been many places in my dreams, and seen many things.  Some of my dreams are scattered through surveys, articles, and other posts.  I will not repeat them.  But here is last night's dream.
    The geographical layout was that of a fairly large barren plain (miles and miles) rimmed on one side by a row of jagged mountains.  It wasn't a mountain range, more like separate mountains.  The plain didn't have much in the way of vegetation, nor did the mountains.  I had a job testing equipment inside one of the mountains.  It was a very complex automated drill system designed to self regulate, self repair, and 'make decisions' via interface with what reminded me of a computer system, only it was intuitive and occupied a different sort of space than the drill system.  It was part of the drill system and yet separate.  My job was to do a final test run before leaving the system on its own.  I had been observing the drill system for some time, but still had to follow final protocol and authorize it.
    During the dream I really thought this was me.
    I climbed into the drill system to 'ride' in a tight spot of criss crossed bars that wouldn't be involved in the machinery's meticulous movements, but would allow me to travel along with it and observe its interface with the intelligence system.  It was very dark inside the mountain, but I had no light that I recall.  I could see what happened anyway.  The system started up, I felt it work, vibrating as multiple drill bits chewed through the mountain in arcs all around me.  The noise was incredible.  I must have had a force shield of some kind around me, because I was not hit with flying debris or even dust, and I had no fear of danger.  I watched in great detail this unique geometrical design full of drill bits rotate and literally fix each other, all the while the intelligence system giving redundant audio relay of every move being made.  I've never seen anything like it on Modern Marvels or any kind of scifi show.  I was completely absorbed in the machinery and being fascinated by how it worked.
    Then something happened.  I was watching a special drill grind a drill bit down while the rest of the drills continued rotating and chewing when I smelled a peculiar nasty odor and immediately reacted with panic.  I knew I had to get out of there fast or die, simply by smell alone, and everything in the dream from there on was utter confusion.  So now I'll tell the rest from my later point of view of realizing what happened.
    "I" wasn't supposed to be there.  That wasn't really me, I was simply experiencing something along with another being who didn't know I was there.  But once that smell hit me, I recoiled and panicked, not realizing that wasn't really me, because I was still deep in the dream.  I wanted out of the machine and out of the mountain and into fresh air as quickly as possible, and I pretty much hijacked that poor being's body making it happen.  I interfaced with the intelligence system and initiated an emergency shut down and it was all I could do to get through the sequence to the point where I could literally escape through the bars and get out the entrance and stand up outside.  But we were still very confused together.  I wanted very strongly to push a 'come get me' button, and the other being didn't know why.  I couldn't understand why it was so hard to make 'myself' continue with my panic, but apparently the other being was already questioning its sanity in a very protocol kind of way, so I struggled as hard as I could and suddenly woke up.  Once again, I was very surprised to find myself in bed, in this life, in this body.  The body I'd just left was smaller, the thoughts and feelings I'd had were much different from me in this life.
    Looking back, the odor that tripped my own panic button wasn't lethal to that other being, and it was able to ignore it.  It had no idea what in the world the problem was.  But in my own head, and still being tied to my own body, I instinctively knew that odor was highly toxic, and I was afraid it would kill me.  If I had not smelled that odor inside the mountain during the drilling, I'd probably still be there in my sleep.
    This is one of many many dreams I've had where I'm not even human, and most likely not on this planet.  This is not the first time I've confused other people or beings in my dream.  Usually I'm just part of it all and nothing interrupts the flow of experience, but sometimes *I* start to filter in as a separate person and things start getting confusing.
    I wanted to write this one down so I wouldn't forget it.  I've never kept a dream diary, but if I did there would have to be many categories and definitions of dream types.  This one is the most interactive accident I've had in quite a while, where I interrupted the other person's experiences.  Waking up from these kinds of dreams does not always cut the dream off.  For a few seconds after I was waking up, I knew the other person was wondering whether the interrogation he'd go through would find him unfit for work or much worse.  I felt really bad about not being able to go back and explain it was all my fault.

  • color personality quiz


    Well, I guess this is hitting the aspie nail on the head.


    from ::: The Amazing World of Colorgenics :::



    You are the sort of person that needs a peaceful environment. You seek release from stress and freedom from conflicts and disagreements, of which you seem to have had more than your fair share. But you are taking pains to control the situation by proceeding cautiously and you are right in doing so as you are a very sensitive person.

    You are looking for excitement and stimulation and you are ready to try anything - but be careful not to take too many risks.

    You need a friend - a close friend - and you are willing to become emotionally involved with the right person, but you are very demanding and particular in your choice of partners. You are constantly looking for reassurance and it is perhaps because of this that you tend to be somewhat argumentative, but you try to hold back - careful to avoid open conflict - since this might reduce your prospects of realising your hopes of establishing a warm caring relationship.

    You are an emotional, sincere and impressionable individual experiencing frustration and unnecessary stress. You vehemently resist any form of pressure from outside sources, insisting on your independence as an individual. You want to be a decision maker - to make up your own mind without interference. You wish to be able to draw your own conclusions and arrive at your own decisions. You detest uniformity and mediocrity as you want to be regarded as one who gives authoritative opinions. Your favourite expression could well be that 'I may not always be right but I am never wrong'. You're a perfectionist and even though you may feel that the other person's point of view may be right, you find it extremely difficult to admit that you could be wrong.

    You would like to be respected and valued for yourself and this can only be achieved from within a close and harmonious relationship.




  • Seven Circles survey

    Seven Circles   (are these like the circles of hell or something?..)
    Please note that this survey is being carried out under duress, as I have 9 staples in my knee, a sprained ankle, and a little extra vicodin in my system.  It is one of the most boring surveys I've ever run across in my life.


    1. What's your name:

    How Many of Me - Census Search Results

    LogoThere are
    or fewer people with my name in the U.S.A.

    How many have your name?


    2. How tall are you:

    This was so boring I went to instead to rip off some photos.

    3. What color are your eyes:

    If I were rich, I would own a variety of contact lenses and switch colors back and forth every day, mix and match so both eyes would be different, look a little psycho, etc.

    crazy contact lenses

    4. What color is your hair:

    Lately it's gone John Shepherd on me.

    The sad thing is you can't see the blue.  My camera didn't pick it up because it's so dark.  Yes, I have blue hair.  I didn't prebleach it, so the dye made my hair really dark, but believe me, with the naked eye, it's a really cool black poster looking kind of blue.

    5. Are you Male or Female:

    I would have been much happier about being female as a child if I could have looked like this.


    6. What is your best feature (physically):

    My brain.  You can't see it.  It is forbidden.

    7. What's your shoe size:

    Ok, you know what?  This line of interrogation is sucking.  How about I just taunt you with my awesome shoes.


    8. Glasses, yes or no:

    Do you ever wake up at night in the dark and swear you can see the outline of your glasses near your face?  I've worn mine so long that I feel more naked without glasses than without a bra on.

    9. Did you ever have braces:

    I hate you just for asking.  I really hate that I was forced to go through that.  My teeth weren't even crooked.  What was my mom thinking?!  Whatever barely discernable 'bite' was corrected was sure messed back up when my wisdom teeth were ignored.  I never put my kids through that crap, even when dentists pulled me aside and tried to shock me with x-rays and horror stories.  They turned out FINE.  And I told them later if they're too vain to tolerate less than immaculately perfect teeth, they are perfectly welcome to put themselves through the torture and pay for braces themselves.  I don't see them begging for braces.  Dentists have been trying to talk me into veneers for years to cover up the tetracycline staining that happened to me in vitro when my mom had a shot (they stopped doing that the year after I was born, go figure), and I'm like there is no *way* I'm paying $1600 a tooth out of ~vanity~.  I know a guy who is looking into putting $40,000 into his mouth for a full set of implants.  You know what?  BRUSH YOUR TEETH.  I can't even imagine paying someone to drill screws into my bones to set pretty fake teeth on.  I'm so paranoid that I floss regularly.  And if you're going to put that kind of money into your mouth in your 50's, you'd better make sure it's worth it, because you might croak off early from drinking and smoking and eating crap, and there you are in a casket with great teeth.

    10. On a typical day you are wearing:

    I would love to look like the goth girl in this commercial.


    11. When you go to bed you're wearing:

    A really old t-shirt Scott can't make me throw away.  I'll take it off for fun time, but I refuse to throw it away.

    12. Work out/exercise about how often:

    Scott's wanting to get me to a gun range and have me start working out with the pistol.

    1. Name five of your favorite bands:

    It only takes one to hook you for life.  I still remember where I was when I first saw this video over 26 years ago.  It changed my whole life.  Seriously.

    Weird Al Yankovic - I Love Rocky Road
    3. Name three songs you usually play nonstop:

    Wo, hold on, where's # 2???

    Mika - Love Today

    For some reason, I find this one really soothing, and this video itself is priceless.  She Drives Like Crazy by Weird Al Yankovic.
    Funny Accidents

    You really don't need 3.  I have hundreds.  It's enough that you know this much about me.


    4. Name one song (give lyrics) that best describes your life right now:

    If you want the lyrics, push play.  I don't think we need any other explanation for my aggressive tendency to plunge into new obsessions.  It's the aspie way.

    You spin me right round - Pirates of the caribbean

    5. Name one song (give lyrics) that best describes your life one year ago:

    I don't think I've changed much in my core being.  You can listen to # 4 again if you like.

    6. When you're driving, what are the preset stations on your radio:

    Unfortunately, yes, I am stuck with the radio because my cd player hasn't worked in years.  I'll take talk, sports, oldies, classic rock oldies, soft rock oldies, jazz, classical, heck, I've even take marching band.  Just no country or rap allowed.

    7. What's the last CD you bought:

    iio Revolution.  This is one of the songs I really like, and the video's not half bad.

    Rapture - IIO


    8. Was the last CD you burned an actual CD or a mix:

    The last thing I burned was a big mistake.  I leave the burning to Scott.

    9. Name one song/band/singer you're embarrassed to like but do:

    You mean like I'd never admit to because I'd be embarrassed?  I suffer no embarrassment.  Everyone who knows me (basically, my family) knows I have about the widest variety of music of anyone I know, spanning the globe and the ages.  Yes, I'm serious.  I have complete stacks of classical composers, Kodo drumming, Chinese, Native American, Italian, Spanish, need I go on.  I love 'original' music from before the whole world going modern and homogenized.  Someday there will be no more Persian or Aboriginal or anything else you can think of music, because everything will be top 40, whether it's Euro or American or Asian or whatnot.

    10. If you could only attend one concert ever again, it would be:

    I will never go to another concert unless I'm so stoned out of my mind that I don't even know who's playing.

    11. Name five bands/singers you absolutely can't stand:

    I've so blocked everything I can't stand that I'd have to excavate my brain to dig up names.

    12. Name a group you use to like but feel you've grown out of: 

    I think the whole world is pretty burned out on Abba. 


    1. Name your favorite actor:

    I will watch *anything* with Lawrence Fishburn or Samuel L. Jackson.



    2. Name your favorite actress:

    I think Alfre Woodard is the bomb.  She can do ~anything~.


    3. Name your favorite television show right now:

    Stargate Atlantis is the only one I like making new shows at the moment, so there you go.


    4. Name five really cool movies you've recently seen:

    I am getting so bored with this.

    5. Your favorite canceled television show:

    Odyssey 5, dang it!

    Odyssey 5 Pilot Ep Intro


    O D Y S S E Y 5 - All Along The Watchtower

    "The show was cancelled despite the fact that the series was one of Showtime's highest rated original series."


    7. Name one movie you wish you hadn't wasted time/money on recently:

    I don't waste time or money on stuff like movies until they're practically free.

    8. You would never watch a movie with:

    I keep crossing my eyes at these questions.  Have I mentioned I was actually part of the Nielsen ratings one year?  This survey is almost as *BAD*.

    9. Favorite candy/food to watch movies with: 

    Nachos are cool.

    10. Three favorite tv channels:

    Someone ~please~ let me remote through this survey...

    11. Favorite reality show:

    Reality shows are so full of crap, but I did like Who Wants To Be a Super Hero? with Stan Lee.  

    Who Wants to be a Superhero Season II first Commercial



    12. Favorite character on a reality show:

    I'll take a Vulcan over 'reality' any day.

    CIRCLE FOUR: WORD ASSOCIATION(Write the first word/thing/person that comes into your head when you read this word:)

    1. coffee: coffee *limping off to make coffee*  Wow, that hypnotized me or something.
    2. dog: way too many words came to mind all at once, most of them being things like worms, smell, hair, fleas, yappy, idiot, poop...  I have no more energy left to tolerate dogs, no matter how much love they could give me.  They vomit on carpets more than little kids.
    3. slut: survey maker on a bad night.  Sorry, that's more than one word.
    4. candy: ug.  Not in the mood. 
    5. pole: crash
    6. ocean: pirate
    7. brave: abstract visual of a horizon with a flag
    8. loving: blueberry bagel.  Sorry, my stomach jumped in.
    9. cookie: no thanx
    10. death: 3 dimensional construct
    11. life: possibilities
    12. child: way too many words came in all at once again. 

    (bold the one you prefer)

    1. Ten guilty men go free OR One innocent man goes to jail for life

    I have no preference

    2. Eaten by a lion OR Eaten by thousands of small insects

    I'll assume that my death being inevitable, I don't think it would matter.

    3. A life of contentment without love OR A life with love and heartache

    I've already had both.  I've learned many things from both.

    4. Skydiving from a plane OR Bungee jumping off a bridge

    Preferably, I'm watching someone else do these things on my tv.

    6. No television OR No music

    I go all day without either one.  I could easily live in solitude because my head is such a busy place.

    7. No more pizza, ever OR No more chocolate, ever

    That day may be coming if the global economy collapses.

    8. A trip to Europe OR a trip to Hawaii

    Drugging me up and dragging me onto the plane will be a feat in itself.

    9. An hour with your future soul mate OR An hour with a lost loved one

    This is stupid.  An hour?  Like, is the future soul mate about to *become* a lost love one or something?

    10. Hearing a friend laugh OR Hearing an enemy cry

    How about switching those.  I really don't see the point in this preference thing.  My aspie self is wondering what is the motivation for asking me these things, and what the survey maker hopes to gain from them.  If life could be lived as preferences, we'd never really learn anything.

    11. Sex without love OR Love without sex

    I've had both.  To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven.

    12. Loving someone who doesn't love you OR being loved by someone you don't love

    Both of these happen constantly.


    1. Are you currently in a relationship:

    Here we go, the ~luv~ stuff.  If you are new to this blog, this is my guy.


    2. Are you currently looking/interested in someone:

    We finally found a video store that still has disk 1 from season 3 of 24 (for some reason they're missing from several video stores in a 30 mile radius).  I will be running a Jack Bauer marathon today.

    3. Are you a virgin:

    I never had stitches in my life for anything until yesterday.  Except now they are staples.  I was a staple virgin.

    4. If yes, how long do you plan to be one:

    Staples are a drag, try not to gash yourself open.  Hang on to your staple virginity!

    5. How many times have you been "in love":

    I'm never ~not~ in love.  I can't help it.  I'm in love with Scott, my chickens, rocks, the color blue, Jack Bauer, hot chocolate- life is full of people and things to love.

    6. Looking back, how do you feel about that person(s) now:

    That is a confusing question.  I assume you're assuming I will do a comparison of my feelings from then to now on actual people I've been 'in love' with, but it took me a minute to figure that out.  In my aspie head it looked like I was twisting through time like a mobius strip.  I look back to see how I feel *now*, which is impossible.  How about I look forward to see how I felt then?

    7. Name three things (physically) you look for in someone:

    I don't 'look for' stuff.  Some things catch my attention, though.  I've noticed I tend to go for the more compact feathering, petite build, with unusual markings or coloration, and a single comb.  All my chickens have single combs.  One of these days I'll experiment more.

    8. Name three things (mentally/emotionally) you look for in someone: 

    Action, angst, and the ability to take charge.  I don't watch chick flicks, for instance.  I like seeing people do big things against impossible odds.

    9. Biggest turn offs include:

    Bad teeth.  In anyone, anywhere.  If you don't care enough to take care of your own mouth, don't touch me.

    10. Your ideal date would be:

    Anything ideal always involves food.

    11. You want to get married, where, when, how:

    And then you want to *stay* married.  That is the real trick.  No one thought we'd make it 5 years, it's been 15 now. 

    12. Does anyone have feelings for you right now that you don't return:

    That happens on the internet.  It's all part of lurking.  I like lurkers, but I don't track them down and force them to say howdy.

    (of your friends, who would you say is:)

    1. The one you immediately go to with a problem: 

    survey makers get me through many terrible days and nights.  Survey makers understand that life sux and staples require distraction.

    2. The most rational:

    Me.  I am a good rational friend to have, if I can tolerate the interruption.

    3. The funniest: 

    The sploity days are the best.

    4. The one you spend the most time on the phone with:

    I've weaseled my way into Scott's plethora of constant family phone calls.

    5. The craziest (but in a good way): 

    Again, me.  I'm the crazy friend who gives everyone else a relieved sense of normalcy.

    6. The most honest:

    Scott couldn't lie to me if he tried.  And he's tried.  The second I can tell he's making something up I get this big grin (I can't help it), and he spills his guts.

    7. The purest:

    Let's see, who is pure friend.  I have diluted (deluded...) friends, I have plenty of fake friends, and even a couple of imitation friends.  Scott is pure friend.

    8. The smartest: 

    In a contest of wits, I think a team works better than individual brains.  I am smart with college testing, Scott is super savvy on how to actually *do* things.  We make a good team.

    9. The most athletic: 

    Scott, hands down.  My fave story, and I know I've mentioned this, is the time he leapt off a really high ladder, throwing clear a still running chain saw, as a limb he was sawing one handed over his head started to come down on top of him.  He hit the ground and rolled clear of both limb and chain saw and was fine.  Give this man a cape, I wouldn't be surprised if he could actually fly or something.

    10. The most compassionate:

    All my siblings instantly laugh their heads off no matter what I say or what happens to me.  After they get over the initial gut reaction to yet another wild splat in my life, they actually care a great deal and make sure I'm taken care of and ok.

    11. The one most likely to get thrown in jail and why:

    I think, given a crowd of people, all fingers would point immediately to me, even though I've never committed a real crime in my life.  It's not that deep down they know I'm capable, it's more like it's just my luck.  And *I* know I'm capable.  It would probably be hard to prove self defense if I did a really good job of it.

    12. The last one that said they loved you:

    My sploit.   


 photo surveybuttonsm.jpg

I've started transferring my survey posts over to Surveypalooza so people coming in from search engines on mobile devices will be able to see the surveys.


Apologies for the missing vids, another upgrade during the server migration swept through like a scan sweeping through the Enterprise. I'll fix those later, kinda busy...

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