Day: June 12, 2008

  • survivalists- end of the world, 2012- mach II

    Burt Gummer.

    Jack Bauer.


    What do all these people have in common?  None of them are afraid to kill, gut, and skin a rabbit with their bare hands.

    I have to laugh at all the direct referral hits I've already gotten to my previous very tongue in cheek post, end of the world, 2012, from not only from places like New Jersey and Connecticut, but countries like India and the United Arab Emirates.  Some of you probably thought that was silly.  I guarantee you, there are a LOT of people in this world who are counting down to December 21, 2012, especially when the solar storms start happening.

    Some of you (and me) are mostly blowing it off, thinking it'll just be another one of those creepy prophecy things that get a bunch of people jumpy, and therefore affect the rest of us in negative ways.  But others of you are seriously hoping you'll be raptured before chaos ensues, or thinking some crazy terrorists are going to take it all as a sign to act, or simply just scared out of your minds that whatever happens, the grocery stores and gas stations will run empty and the hospitals will be full and communications will be zapped out and people will panic and start shooting one another.

    I mentioned that it's important we all get chickens to survive this.  An alert reader told me rabbits might be better.  They are quieter and easier to hide from looters who would steal your food supply.  I concur.  Get rabbits, too.  And while you're at it, compost their droppings with trays of earthworms.  You never know when you'll need a worm.

    My dad grew up in a unique and very short era of U.S. history, after land was pretty much settled, shortly after technology started sweeping the nation, but before we were truly united into a homogenous mindset via talk shows and x boxes.  Dad graduated from the 8th grade with a high school diploma after a final exam that makes our college entrance exams look pretty wimpy, then moved on to become a real cowboy in Gunnison, Colorado.  He once saw a man shoot a dog dead from a bucking horse with one shot.  Why?  Because the dog was irritating the horse.  My dad and his brothers were called the Black Hat Boys, and they lived in a bunk house on the ranch and everything.

    When my dad was a boy he had a pet coyote, and he shot a lot of rabbits.  Rabbits were a real problem to crops back then, and could ruin a farmer nearly over night, so he has a LOT of experience with how rabbits live, hide, run, and get caught in little snares.

    When I was in high school we lived on a fairly big acreage, and one day Dad caught a rabbit and showed me how to survive if I was ever caught away from home without a knife and was able to catch a rabbit.  He said they are the hardest animals on the earth to kill off, but the easiest thing to kill once you've got one.  And it really was easy, as long as you aren't squeamish about it.  So I'm going to share with you here how to kill a rabbit with your bare hands, in the event that you get caught away from home without a knife, and the world all around you is falling apart and forcing you to starve.  It's up to you to be watching those Survivorman shows and learn how to start a fire and catch the rabbit in the first place.

    So if you don't like details and icky stuff and feel terrible about eating Thumper, close your eyes *right now*.

    If you are right handed, once you've pounced on your rabbit (watch out, they claw and bite like mad), grasp the back of the neck real good so you can get hold of both hind feet with your left hand, and stretch it out on its belly so it has to quit fighting.  Hold it up, left hand high, and when it will dangle when you let go of the neck, make a real fast and hard karate chop at a 45 degree angle down on the skull just behind the head.  That can actually pop it's head right off if you are strong enough, but mostly it's to break its neck and kill it.  If you are squeamish and make a wimpy chop, you'll feel awful that you just caused the rabbit a great deal of pain and drop it while it squeals in terrible anguish and alerts the whole world to your presence, so be tough and get that chop right the first time.  It would suck if you were a wuss and starved to death.

    Ok, the rabbit is dead, so the next thing is to get the skin off.  Easy peasy.  The skin will pop apart at the ankles on the hind legs, and you pull it inside out right off the rabbit over the head, if it's still attached.  At this point, you really need to snap that head off.  If you want to keep the skin, toss it messy side up out of the way so it won't get sticky and full of crap that's tenaciously hard to get off later.  If you want to know how to fix up a rabbit skin to wear for makeshift moccasins, in the event of the world coming to an end, again, it is your responsibility to be watching the proper tv shows *now*.

    The skin is off, but you still need the guts out.  While you are still holding it up by the hind legs, poke a hole in the uppermost part of the soft belly area and rip down, making an opening from the tail to the ribs.  Then, if you are very good at stuff like this, you can swing that carcass down toward the ground and fling those guts right out.  No kidding, I actually saw my dad do this.  Didn't have to get his hands messy at all.

    Now you are ready to put your rabbit on a stick and toast him over a homemade fire.

    My dad did every bit of that in less than 10 seconds flat.  Snap, skin, guts.  Good to go.

    Remember, we are Homo Sapien Sapiens.  We come from a long line of survivalists.  Using our bare hands to make a rabbit sandwich actually comes very natural to us.  If you want to use a stick or a rock, that's fine, but if you happen to have a knife in your pocket, awesome.  Might slow you down, though.

    I don't think it's going to be that hard to survive the world ending in 2012, but just in case, you'll at least know how to get a rabbit ready for a snack.

    I appreciate that some of you might not find this kind of post entertaining, but let's be honest.  Whether the world ends in 2012 or not, this can't last forever.  This utopia of super highways and the nearly instant transport of goods and services by sheer comparison of, say, getting through the ice age, simply can't last.  Our earth is not made to stall into one temperature zone that perfectly fits our lifestyles, our sun can't be tamed not to screw up our Tom-Toms, cell phones, and satellite reception in a couple of years, and we've all seen the endless flooding and earthquakes and stuff.  Unless scientists and engineers and trillions upon trillions of dollars can mold this earth into a homo sapien dream world pretty quickly, it's really not going to take a whole lot to mess it all up again, and it's not going to be because you left your car running to keep it cool while you run into a convenience store for a soda pop.

    Humans have spent tens of thousands of years scraping an existence out of the rocks.  Yes, bunnies are cute.  It's wonderful that we are able to live in an age of mankind where we can even stick up for bunny rights and refuse to eat them.  But deep down, where you came from was kill or be killed.  Do or die.

    Don't laugh at the survivalists.  When things start going wrong, they'll be ready.  In the meantime, enjoy your pizza and your World of Warcraft that other people made possible in your lives.

  • 'a (sorta) different survey'


    If you could get a brand new car for free what kind would it be?
    I want a car like George Jetson.

    Have you ever lived in a trailer?
    I live for trailers, but I've never been in one.


    What is your favorite talk show?
    I avoid them all equally.

    If you could be another race would you?
    I think it would be cool to be a racially mixed Klingon/Vulcan.  Since I'm female, I can totally see the logic in this.  PMS would take on a whole new logical meaning.

    What is on your bed?
    You do NOT know excitement until you've had a scorpion jump right out of a light fixture onto the bed you're in.  They don't sit around at all.  This one was about 2 inches long.

    What is your favorite thing to drink when you first wake up?
    Don't ever accidentally swallow a mouthful of Listerene before you are fully awake.

    What is your favorite brand of shoes?
    I wore the same pair of tennis shoes for 5 years because I'm too lazy to go buy new ones.  I think that pretty much moots this question out.

    Have you ever caught some one in a lie?
    Rather recently, I thought it was pretty funny.

    Have you ever flirted with a cop just to get out of a ticket?
    I suck at flirting.  I'm sure that would have gotten me arrested.

    What do you think about clothes with polka-dots?
    I think they're kinda cute.


    Who do you love?
    It is perilous to love Jack Bauer.

    What kind of purse do you have?
    It goes with everything.  I hang it from a belt loop.

    Ever broken your cell phone?
    I've been surprised at how indestructible it seems to be.

    What are you thinking about right now?
    The rice isn't going to cook itself.

    Do you rather write with a pen or pencil?
    I am free of prejudice in this regard.

    If you could have 1 thing for free right now what would it be?
    At first I thought Oh, cool, a maid, and then I thought, Awesome, my own masseuse, and then I thought, Rats, I don't have anywhere to put a peacock right now.  So I can't make up my mind.  But since it's hypothetical, it probably doesn't matter.

    Are you currently in a romantic relationship?
    Scott is picking up milk on the way home because I forgot to after the doctor.  Romance is ~not~ dead.  Oh, wait, that's chivalry...  I get all that stuff mixed up.

    When is your birthday?
    Dang, now I have the 'unbirthday' song in my head.

    What is your favorite color?
    Today it is BLUE.

    What do you do for a living?
    I am the crash test dummy who tests surveys.

    Have you ever been to Europe?
    Many times through the magic of television, although some of it was probably filmed in California.

    Where are you from?
    I have recently come from bed, where I took a short 7 hour break from this survey.

    What's your favorite food?
    You never see "what food makes you gag" on these things.  I can't bear to eat anything with coconut in it.

    Do you like snowy weather?
    I can just see a Neanderthal answering this survey question during the ice age.

    How often do you watch the news?
    It's amusing how they still call it 'the news'.  It's more like a blitz through a magazine.

    What was your best subject in school?
    My reading worm in the 5th grade was the second longest in the class.

    prefer coffee or cappuccino?
    Some people used to boil crushed coffee beans in pots of water over campfires and drink it out of tin cups, sometimes with whiskey in it.  That would be called a cowboyccino.

    Have you ever cheated on a test?
    I am the person people cheated from.  I was never paid for my services.

    Are you on a diet?
    All you have to do is say there are nuts in the brownies, and I wouldn't be able to touch them with a stick.  I don't have to diet, all I have to do is be grossed out.

    Have you ever had braces?
    My orthodontist and I loathed each other.  He once yanked my wires and I bit the crap out of him.  He's the only person I've ever bitten.

    Have you ever had a root canal?
    I vowed after one never to have another, and it's worked for 20 years so far.  I floss like a maniac.

    Do you have a good memory?
    I have a strange memory.  It knows all, but shares nothing consciously with me.  I once remembered I had read a book about some dogs being experimented on, but couldn't remember another thing about it.  Walked into a library with that in mind and the intent to just wander around, and in about 30 seconds I had that book in my hands.  Don't ask me how.  I accidentally went straight to it, no conscious effort whatsoever.  So I believe my memory is prodigious, I just have very little personal access to it.

    Have you ever been to the museum of natural history?
    Museums are like very slow books, laborious by nature, and far more difficult to access than, say, the History Channel or wikipedia.

    What is your biggest wish?
    Ok, I'm back, what is this, day 3?  Good thing this isn't a timed test, I keep getting bored and walking away from it.

    What is your worst fear?
    That actually happened today.  I was getting some stuff ready to go outside, turned around and nearly grabbed this handle and froze on the spot.

    Do you like rainbows?
    I nearly made it to the end of a real rainbow near Vail, Colorado one year, but about ten feet from where it dropped to the ground, it disappeared.  My friends said it looked like I was standing in it.

    Where is your favorite shopping place?
    I don't shop until I absolutely have to.

    Where is your favorite vacation place?
    I don't vacation until I absolutely have to.
    Are you scared of the wilderness?
    See spider picture above.  Actually, I'm fine with all the rest.  I'm surrounded by it.  I nearly hit a deer near my house two days in a row this week.

    How old were you when you shared your very first kiss?
    I don't share my Hershey's kisses.  Hey, that's a good idea.  *running off*

    Do you like Astrology?
    I also made some rosehip and hibiscus tea by Pompadour Teas
    , nice little accent on the chocolate there.  Ok, where were we?  Astrology.  Do I like it?  I hate it.  No one ever warns me that I'm going to run into a big spider.

    What makeup brand do you use?
    Expensive, tasteful, and rarely.

    Are you scared of airplanes?
    I have never run into an airplane perched on my door ready to crawl on me.  But I don't get on ~them~ anymore, either.

    Do you fear heights or the dark more?
    After you've seen a spider that big in the house, you leave all the lights on for awhile just so you can glance around and make sure, you know?

    Are you a heavy sleeper or a light sleeper?
    I was sleeping really well until I got a text message.  Weird Al has a way of jolting a person.

    Do you like junk food?
    Chocolate is the food of the gods, so yes, if it's chocolate.

    What was the worst nightmare that you had?
    I'm avoiding one about spiders right now.  I'm sure it was Providence that had me getting a text message and waking me back up.

    Have you ever experienced insomnia?
    I love insomnia.  I love surveys.  I love obsessing manically about meaningless trivia.

    Do you believe in God?
    It's easy to believe in him when you think you're about to die horribly, which I've nearly done a few times.  It's nice when you live through an accident that utterly destroys the car and whatnot.  Next time you're facing death head on, see how ironic it is to consciously have to think "I don't believe in God".  That doesn't come naturally for some reason.  Not arguing for either side here, just making an observation after tens of thousands of years of global human history that notoriously makes believing in deities seem to be built into the human psyche.  It's weird to think that you actually have to pronounce a disbelief.  I tried that, by the way.

    Are you scared of death?
    Not really, but every time I have to face it I feel upset that I'm not ready to leave yet.  One of these days I won't feel upset any more, I'll be too tired.

    Are you anemic?
    Ok, the survey maker has an impending fear of death, is facing God issues, and sees a doctor regularly, as evidenced by the next question.

    Are you scared of needles?
    I used to just look at a tech and squirt blood out my arm.  Now they can't find a vein in my whole body.  Funny how my cells have become terrified of invasive pointy things that suck some of them away.

    Did you ever believe that monsters existed when you were a child?
    The most evil thing about monsters, clowns, and Barney are those googly eyes that look at you with a big grin.

    Are you good in math?
    We find these things out when we adjust recipes for more or less servings.  That's where the fractions really pay off.

    Have you ever been bullied?
    Not by a real bull, but a ram used to like to chase me across the pasture.  I could clear a 4 foot fence by the time I was 12.

    Are you paranoid of the police?
    I finally got the blinker fixed after 4 years, so I'm more relaxed now.

    Do you follow or break rules?
    *looking up rules*  "Treat others the way you'd like to be treated."  It's a toughie, but I try.

    Cupcakes or soft baked cookies?
    Lemon pie.

 photo surveybuttonsm.jpg

I've started transferring my survey posts over to Surveypalooza so people coming in from search engines on mobile devices will be able to see the surveys.


Apologies for the missing vids, another upgrade during the server migration swept through like a scan sweeping through the Enterprise. I'll fix those later, kinda busy...

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