April | 2008 | Bluejacky: Existential Aspie

Month: April 2008

40 Things Survey

40 Things You Have NOT Been Asked In A Survey... Promise!

1. Do you know anyone in prison at the present moment?
Prison is sitting behind a hotel desk being screamed at by a crazed lunatic banging a cane on the desk and threatening to come over the top and strangle you at 11 p.m. when all the rooms are sold, no one else is around, the weather out there sux, and he's gotta drive another 30 miles to find a hotel that isn't booked solid, with whiny kids and a nagging wife. Prison is walking around in a free country being afraid of people hurting you.

2. Have you ever logged onto a boyfriend/girlfriend/crush's myspace?
I've been asked by other people to log into their pages to fix codes and stuff, which is awfully trusting of them. But I could care less about espionage. Other people try to break into my sites, I just laugh. They need to get lives.

3. When is the last time you ate peanut butter and jelly?
I no longer eat peanut butter and jelly, since I've internalized the fear my sister feels about her young son coming up allergic to peanuts.

4. Do you have a desk in your room?
I hate this survey already.

5. Have you ever gotten naked at a party?
I'm in a very bad mood, and this survey is NOT helping. I will tell you a true story, so you can see how lame this question is. I was once invited to a 'party' while I lived in Phoenix, years ago. I arrived to find a bunch of boys getting wasted on beer and pot, and they said more people were coming, but I seemed to be the only girl. Here, try this... So I'm sitting there smoking something that's wacking my brain out in seconds flat and noticing they're all watching me, like a pack of little wolves. Ah, boys with lots of evil experience. At least 20 of them, and I'm so wasted I can barely move. So I realize I have to make a decision before I pass out and get gang raped. I have to find a way OUT that doesn't get me tackled, right? And I'm thinking all this in slow motion, wasted off my gourd, attempting to string along a single line of thought and stay focused. First step. I say, Hey, I need another beer. They say we're all out. I had a feeling they'd say that. I go Oh, that sux. Next step. Stand up... Kinda wobbly. I made it. Wow, I'm standing up. Cool. They're all looking at me a little disappointed. I was supposed to be unable to do that. So I say, Hey, I'm gonna go get some more beer. And nobody opposed this, so my next sluggish thought was make it LOOK REAL. So I dug around my pockets, kinda stupidly, wasted, and said, Hey, I'm out. Somebody give me some cash. They actually dug through their pockets and came up with a total of $6 to hand me. So far so good. The reason this is working is they're all minors and I'm not, or I never would have got this far. One of them is saying maybe we don't need any more beer, but I insist in my lovable sloshy wasted way, and even had the bright idea to ask someone to come with me. Everyone stepped back, they're all loaded, too, and there's no way they're going to get caught and go back to juvi or something. Next step-- walk. omg. That was the hardest acting I'd ever done in my life besides facing my ex-husband down with a gun to my head. Put one foot there, don't tip, one more step, don't tip, negotiating steps, oh crap, don't flip over the rail, and the boys are all staring at me going out the door. Made it to my little pickup and actually told them I'll be right back while I waved goodbye. I have no idea how I got out of that parking lot without hitting another car, made it to 3rd street trying to drive straight and watch my mirror at the same time in case they followed me. Made it to my apartment somehow and literally crawled up the stairs. Not sure how I made it in my door. So the answer to this question is- No, I never got naked at a party, but I did rip some people off escaping one.

6. What kind of car do you have?
I've always wondered if a car might have been named Speedo if swim wear hadn't nabbed it first.

7. Are you named after one of your parents or grandparents?
What parent gives their child the same name of their sibling's child??? I was given the same name as a cousin. I've always felt peeved at the lack of creativity going into that one.

8. Can you walk a straight line when you're sober?
*aspie kills survey maker...* See, I have no idea if this is a really bad error in sentence structure, or some kind of weird irony that's supposed to be amusing.

9. Do you ever throw up gang signs?
Ok, that's it. I HAVE answered this in another survey, word for word. *aspie mutilates survey maker's corpse*

10. Have you ever broken a rib?
>=( I just killed you, and you ask if I've ever broken a rib... Does that mean on me or someone else? You dork... I once walked around for two weeks on a broken foot, double spiral twist of a long toe bone. Happy?

11. Would you rather be a girl or a guy?
Thank God, we've got vicodin seeping into a migraine. Now for some Hershey's kisses and a cup of hot tea. I think I might just live through this. Ironically, my mug has a skull and crossbones on it and says "Dead Men Tell No Tales"

12. Who is the most spoiled person you know?
Jaizzy

13. Would you rather have a million dollars or true love?
I've answered this one twice before. I think I'd rather have you on a stick. Ok, wait-- first Hershey's kiss is in my mouth now. Nix that. I'll take ten bucks and some new sox. I'm easy to please.

14. Have you ever had sex in church?
This survey maker has had sex in church.

15. Is your boyfriend/girlfriend a marine?
With a Marine...

16. Do you watch the Grammys?
And is currently watching the Grammys while preparing this survey.

17. Would you ever work for the border patrol?
I AM the border patrol. I have chickens to protect.

18. Which one word would describe your last relationship?
Um, ongoing? And going, and going... You know, vicodin and chocolate are a pretty sweet combo. I can't take prescription migraine meds because I seriously freak out, like I'm on real drugs. Haha, 'real' drugs. I kill me.

19. Would you rather date someone 2 years younger then you or 20 years older?
I can just see this-- Hey, Scott, would you rather I dated someone 2 years younger or someone 20 years older? heh heh Honestly, as long as I'm not dating Eddie Izzard, I don't think he'd worry.

20. Have you ever had a eating disorder?
I can't eat anything without getting some on my shirt, so I try to wear dark t-shirts and print blouses. It gets pretty funny when someone asks me if I'm sharing with Jack Sparrow and I don't have a clue.

21. Do you have a porn collection?
I have a stack of LPs that would make anyone jealous. I particularly like the Hondels. Oh, wait, I misread that as phono collection... Silly me.

23. Have you ever been in a interracial relationship?
This survey maker had sex in church with a Marine of a different color.

24. Is your birthday on a holiday?
10 Ways to Celebrate United Nations Day with Children Now that's a rousing party, don't you think?

26. Do you have any friends or family in the war right now?
"The War", or just the war? This generation has no idea what The War was like.

28. Do you worry about global warming?
No, but I am warning people about the Ice Age coming.

29. Do you like polar bears?
You know, I've never been fond of bears. Not even teddy bears. I think it's dumb when something is 'beary good' and people name their dogs Bear. I don't know why I'm prejudiced against bears.

30. Have you ever been cheated on?
Scott once made the mistake of bringing Chinese home just for him... Uh, yeah, THAT was bright. When you've been married this long, that is cheating.

31. What kind of birth control do you use?
I ate the roosters.

32 . What slang word(s) do you call marijuana?
This survey creator smokes pot.

33. Are you an atheist?
And has God issues.

34. Do u stIll talk to the person who you lost your virginity to?
Boy, does this survey creator need to get a life.

35. Did or do you think your childhood dreams will come true?
I once ate an entire pound of chocolate just because I was a grown up and I could. Yes, we can all laugh now.

36. Do you wear your sweetie's clothes?
I told my sweetie if he doesn't throw that underwear away, I'm posting a picture of it on myspace. It's practically a skirt. I've heard stories of men getting attached to their underwear, but that's ridiculous.

37. What's your opinion on gold?
U.S. gold jewelry looks like dime store plastic compared to gold jewelry you can get overseas.

38. Are you a country boy/girl or city slicker?
I've butchered more chickens and other critters than those city slicker gang people can claim on their kill counts. I'm no wuss.

39. Is your car a 2002 or higher?
I laugh. I've never had a car in the 2000's.

40. Do you want to hit something?
I suspect the survey maker wants to hit something.

Ok, I checked back through these, and there are 3 missing questions. Maybe the survey creator got a little distracted by the Grammys.
- 4:24 pm
- Comments Off
Synesthesia

I am so curious about synesthesia- do I have it?

I'm well aware some people see numbers and letters and music as colors. I've looked around the internet, and I've read a few books, but the most I see of synesthesia is that some people who have it are able to use it in a savant way or feel emotionally attached to or repulsed by something they see or hear that gets interpreted as color, using the color as the indicator.

I seem to be a bit backward. I see colors as places, locations, memories of having been somewhere (very not *here*), as spatial coordinates in a nonspatial universe.

For instance, when people might associate yellow with joyful, warm, and other positive emotions, I feel like it's a direction that I'm not facing, but I know where it is, because I can feel where it should be. When people see red as strong or angry or celebratory, I see it as behind me, below me. When people see blue as calm or deep, I see it as lengthy, flat, and in front of me. These are very basic descriptions, which get very very complicated as I go through hues and brightness levels, as if I could fine tune a place I am going.

The verbage in the above paragraph can be view psychologically as me having difficulty with joy, having my back to holidays, and being emotionless. It is very easy for people to anthropomorphize, and even easier for them to presuppose a cause and effect that doesn't exist if the sentence structure leads to that. It is NOT intuitive for people to understand what I'm trying to say. I'm not trying to draw a similarity to emotions at all with colors, those were just examples, and the 'directions' I see have nothing to do with those emotions. So don't make the leap there and psychoanalyze me based on something so shallow as what those sentences are.

Now I will get a little more complicated. I think it will help for you to visualize a stained glass window. You may pick any shape, and any colors and patterns you want for this visualization. But let it fill your vision, so that the stained glass is all you see. You don't see the light beyond it, and there is no room you are in. The stained glass is your whole vision. You are not standing there looking at it, you are part of it. It is a world.

Feel yourself sink into the colors in the glass, travel over the colors. See the different hues of blues and purples and reds and yellows. Notice that when you look at one color long enough, you can turn and look at another without lifting up off the glass to move over to it. You know it's 'over there', and you can see it and move toward it.

That was still very basic. If you would like a taste of what I see in my mind, let go of the glass. Now it's just color. There is no wall it shines on, it simply is. It is not liquid or air or solid. And as you go into the colors you realize they are very big and take up some sort of space.

At this point, some of you might be able to understand me saying that color has a topology. It's not just a surface, but an interactive spacial function. Wrinkles in the yellow produce a variety of golds and lemons. Flow in the green produces forest and seagreen and lime. Pushing or pulling on different parts of blue can make it navy or sky. All these colors can become more 'electric' when they are twisted (not literally), or more sublime when they are left alone.

Color also has a great depth of being. It is in a very big place. When I say I'm not facing the direction of yellow, I really feel in my soul that I'm not facing a particular direction, and before you aura enthusiasts jump on the 'reading', that is NOT what I mean. Color in my world cannot be interpreted as human emotion or motivation or action. Color is itself. It occupies a space, a place. The expanse is enormous, like our universe.

Blue in the context of this conversation also doesn't mean myself in relation to the distance and how fast I'm moving toward it, as the way scientists measure stars moving around on a doppler light shift. I know it's really hard to let all that go, but do it.

When I hear a strain of music on a certain instrument, it is an 'address', a particular location to a very specific color in a nonspatial universe, a real place in a reality that coexists with all of us. When I hear that music, I instantly see the coordinates of a 'place' defined in my mind only as color and know exactly where to find that color, down to the minutest hue and brightness. I feel there is a definite 'left' or 'up' or 'over there' to it. I feel like when a movement of music is pieced together, it is a map that tells us how to arrive to a location, and I see it all as colors.

Another thing about the colors is that although there are definite areas of blue and red and all the rest, there are much smaller areas where they can show up and either mix or flow with other colors. The closest way I can describe this, having studied the art of cartography, is elevation lines. The lines look flat on the paper, but they indicate depth, height, steepness, slope, etc. Or perhaps like a weather map that shows air flow at various elevations. Oceanographers might understand this as they study water traveling around the globe, sometimes mixing, sometimes moving other water over, sometimes just flowing past.

I know this is complicated. I imagine I could go on and on and bore some of you to death. But this is something I feel is important for some reason, and it took me many years to realize I've been seeing colors as places, locations of some sort. I felt as a child that I wished I could go 'into the blue' when I looked at a skein of royal blue embroidery thread. I feel like I've already been to red and yellow, but I loved being in blue the most. This life I am in now is about blue somehow. I am facing blue, it is very distant, and I want to go there more than anything else. Music only makes me wish harder I could really do this, because it gives me maps that I can't seem to understand with this head I am living in. I feel like my soul sight is blurry living in this body.

I'm not into new age studies, but I'm vaguely aware there are levels of existence. I'm also very into physics of all kinds and have harbored a suspicion of pan dimensionalism for years that goes beyond what we see around us (although I think this earth is pretty cool, and I love geography and geology studies). I feel like this 'me' is someone who's been around a bit, knows a few things, and has definite goals. I feel like these weird things I experience with my autism are clues that stimulate me to think more deeply than I might have without them.

I found a couple of youtubes I like to zone out on. They are deceiving because you feel like you are traveling someplace, but you are really getting smaller and smaller, but size and distance have no meaning, really. Maybe the universe of colors and locations is like that. By the way, I was picturing stuff like this in my head long before I ever found out about Mandelbrot sets years ago. Click the titles for the full screen versions, which look fantastic.

Fractal Zoom Mandelbrot Corner

Fractal Zoom Mandelbrot Edge
50 Things About Me
1. I love sox. I love novelty sox, footies, toe sox, trouser sox, athletic sox, and everything about sox. But alas, I am also very picky about the sox that go onto my feet.
2. Someone once told me orange is my healing color, but I find it very annoying. Orange is ok in context, but as a color it sets me on edge. I will leave you wondering why my links are set up to be orange.
3. Sometimes I think how cool it would be to float around until I watch fish... I used to wonder why the smallest brains got the coolest sensations until I realized-- I don't think I could handle just floating for very long without going nuts.
4. I've loved Chinese and Japanese artwork, artifacts, customs, and food since I was a small child, and I've never known why.
5. I really like nutmeg toast, thanx to Ron Ausbrooks (Mathematical Markup Language (MathML) Version 2.0 (2nd Edition) [ Ron Ausbrook, Working Group Membership and Acknowledgments, mathplayer.pdf, Nabble - Math WG comments on latest CDF documents), who I would very much like to get that picture of me in a Planet of the Apes Halloween mask back from. Hi, Ron.
6. I nearly killed Spencer. But you can read about that in Duck Lords once I get that story posted.
7. I have a very scattered world wide audience because I cannot quell this obsession with creating websites and playing with codes, and a fan (I have fans )once showed up at my house with a gun. Don't worry, she didn't kill me, but after 5 days of freaking me out grinning at me like the Cheshire cat through everything we were doing, she finally admitted to being severely depressed, then went home and blogged to everyone I knew that I beat her up and tried to poison her. She lived in a huge house on a horse ranch, had a pool and cool stuff and a diamond ring on her finger worth more than the last 3 cars I've driven put together. Gotta love bored rich people.
8. My most favorite famous person that I've met is Too Slim.
9. I've met many other famous people. I'm not going to say who. I'm really not impressed myself with the whole idea of 'fame', and I think it's dumb to use it to impress other people. But I do like Too Slim, I think he's the bomb.
10. I got halfway through a masters in resource planning (acing) before I dropped out to raise a tiny little full time step kid who didn't need another parent running off to do something more (or much less) important. I was preparing to present a thesis topic of locating another Mall of America into the Ozarks, which would have been a huge project and probably worth a lot of money for my research.
11. That child was born with Fetal Alcohol Effect (FAE), and I decided she was more important than chasing a degree and getting rich. Click here and see if you agree it was worth it.
12. I don't handle surprises well. When I worked a hotel desk late at night one year, the guests quickly learned they could make me jump sky high when they snuck up on me in their sox. This is why aspies sometimes go Freddy Kruger on people. Once is funny, twice is you need to get a life, and thrice is me whacking you in half.
13. I feel no shame in staying in my pajamas all day. I'll go to the door looking like I just crawled out of a bear cave, and if you can't handle it, that's your problem.
14. Someone once told me, with great surprise, that I had a green glow around me, except it was yellow around my head. I had no idea at the time what that meant. I do know now that the colors change around me depending on how I'm feeling and how intense I feel about what I'm sharing. I've had 3 dreams of portent containing bright blue animals, a rabbit, a dog, and a pony. I've naturally been drawn to a bright royal blue since I was a small child, and blue LED lights mesmerize me. I have memories of either being blue or living in a blue world, and I'm not talking about the ocean. I'm not into aura readings, but if anyone is interested in some of this stuff, here you go. Observing Aura Color
15. If I could drop what I'm doing right now and do anything I want, I would go for a buzz around the universe.
16. I've wondered since I was small why I can't have blue hair.
17. I milked goats for several years.
18. I can trace my family history back to the 1600's on both sides, but I'm not into genealogy.
19. I do know I'm not Vulcan, dang it.
20. Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy are my fave super heroes.
21. When I was a little kid I thought meatloaf was made out of buffalo. Now I know he's a really cool guy on a new phone commercial.
22. I think the world is a better place with the Sonic Guys in it.
23. I've been cooking since I was 7, and have worked in several food establishments, working my way up to head cook in a couple of very nice places. I love cooking at home, and collect rare recipe books and enjoy the Food Channel. Part of my obsession with food is that I have a digestive disorder and have a hard time eating much of it without pain.
24. I adore fine coffee, but discovered a few years ago I am allergic to it. Wah!!! It triggers migraines and other chemical reactions that have led to hospital visits. I allow myself a half cup a week of Ozark Mountain Blend from Churchill Coffee. "Indonesian and African coffees are combined to provide a sweet chocolate aroma balanced with nut, fruit, and floral notes." Mmmmm....
25. If I had to choose between a dog and a cat, I'd take a chicken.
26. I have put Stephen Hawking on a pedestal to help me deal with my own debilitating illness for the last 20 years (mine is different, but extremely painful). I figured if he could use his brain to get past all the crap, I could too.
27. I don't worry about politics. I figure there are plenty of people out there worrying hard enough.
28. I grew up on a farm where we lived on everything we grew. I don't think enough people appreciate all the work that goes into bringing such nice food into easy-to-access grocery stores.
29. I love watching Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade in my pajamas and then having good food while I watch football, but I don't care to socialize around Thanksgiving dinner. It's fun to see people, but it's just way too much stress for my aspie mind.
30. I once read an 800 page book on mosquitoes just to see if I could do it.
31. I had a feeling Professor Snape was a very hidden good guy from the very first book.
32. I hate sweet corn. I grew up eating fresh corn on the cob, and they've changed the genetics so much over the years that now it's like eating a bowl of sugar.
33. My fave restaurants to eat at are Mr. Yen's, J.Buck's, Hemingway's Blue Water Cafe, and Red Lobster.
34. My fave theme park is Silver Dollar City, and I love visiting the Branson Landing and Bass Pro Shops Outdoor World.
35. I actually very rarely get out of the house.
36. If I could wear contacts, I'd get them with words going around that say "If you can read this, you're too close."
37. Halloween is my favorite holiday.
38. I like watching tornado weather come in from my deck.
39. I could care less if the price of gas goes up. People pay more per ounce for easy and cheap to make bottled drinks and never complain.
40. I think people who have sex with kids should die, and I don't apologize for that, as per an ex-husband.
41. My best friend was murdered in college. Her murder was filmed for a sex video. I loathe people who are into snuff films.
42. I grew up on a motorcycle. My dad owned a Honda/BMW shop.
43. I rolled a volkswagen real bad and flew out the window and lived to tell about it. I was only doing 40 at the time, on my way to church, and they had to untangle my hose from a wild rose bush. I was conscious through the entire accident. It hurt.
44. I was first on the scene of another accident and saved a girl's life.
45. I'm super salt sensitive. I cringe at the handfuls of salt people throw into food on food shows.
46. I don't ice my drinks because cold drinks make me croupy.
47. I don't have stage fright. I easily stand in front of a roomful of people and say what I think.
48. Conversely, I am completely intimidated by large men who crowd me and get loud or angry, or too flirty. My ex once held a loaded rifle to my head and I never flinched, because I HAD to play the game and survive it. But I do NOT have to tolerate people having rage issues over something as stupid as locking themselves out of a hotel room without their keys or cell phone and they're late for a meeting. If some of those guys knew how close I came to freaking back out all over them, they'd have been terrified, because I know deep down I would enjoy hacking my ex apart with a hatchet. And then it ticks me off that the big cowards will come apologize to management and not to my face.
49. Having said that, I will now share that I've won customer service awards and was once taken to lunch by a regional manager. What makes that funny is that I'm autistic, and I was able to out-nice the 'normals' under as much stress and pressure as anyone.
50. You probably noticed I have an attitude. I could say I've earned it, but I was born with it.
- 6:47 pm
- Comments Off

bluejacky

I've started transferring my survey posts over to Surveypalooza so people coming in from search engines on mobile devices will be able to see the surveys.

Apologies for the missing vids, another upgrade during the server migration swept through like a scan sweeping through the Enterprise. I'll fix those later, kinda busy...