Month: April 2008

  • Self Awareness

     

    Autism awareness is such a funny notion to me.  One of the big perks of autism is not being self aware, at least until other people show you how you, too, can be a big bundle of nerves worrying about being stupid.  But I think it's funny that April is Autism Awareness month, for a condition with limited self awareness.
     
    I will never forget becoming self aware, oh so very slowly, over all the ages I have been.  I 'wake up' to little things about the world or myself in little tiny spurts.  I will never forget discovering a couple of years ago that there are other hand flappers in this world.  Oh, there are people who talk with their hands or guys who have 'gay' hand moves or people who freak and their hands get involved, but I never associated any of that with me.  But then I found out about Asperger's and read other aspies making jokes about flapping around when they got flustered, and it sorta dawned on me...
     
    I was so surprised...  Hey, *I* do that.  Well, I don't go around flapping like a chicken, but when I get the least bit excited or upset, my hands go up, and sometimes I do flippy things with them, and sometimes they almost define my 'space' for me.  I never noticed I do that, all my life.  My mom was always telling me to stop it, or don't touch things, or be still, but she never defined it with specific details, so I had no idea what she was talking about.  All I knew was that I embarrassed the crap out of her in public.
     
    So you can imagine how odd I felt when I asked my sister, both of us in our 40's, if I'm a hand flapper, and she immediately grinned and had her hands up mimicking me.
     
    That was a precious moment.  I talk about being very suppressed by my mother to the point of holding rock still all day in school so no one would make fun of me, but I was free to be me enough at home, apparently, that my automatic behaviors were so common that no one ever brought them up or discussed them.  No one had ever pointed out to me that I flap my hands, and no one had ever made fun of me for doing it.  That was the first moment in my life that I realized 1- my sister loved me just fine the way I was, 2- I never had a clue this whole time that everyone in my family saw me as different and never pointed it out, 3- she obviously thought it was cute, because the way she mimicked me was cute, and 4- maybe that means it's ok not to have to hold rock still all the time out in public...
     
    And you have to understand, when I don't watch myself, I really do get carried away.  I flap my long sleeves around while I shop until Scott gives me The Look, and I instantly know that I'm getting so carried away that people can see me from halfway across the store.  Sometimes, even at 46, I'm walking behind him in Walmart or a grocery store, doing a little toe dance to some elevator music or music in my head, bumping my knuckles in a funny little rhythm, and zoned out so far that I'm not even aware I'm about to run into someone.  I actually once followed a guy I don't know because out of the corner of my eye the back of his jacket looked like Scott, and I'm pretty sure I creeped him out, doing my little aspie thing behind him.    Scott was cracking up all over the place, waiting for me to 'come to', and when I did, boy, was I surprised.    Woopsie...
     
    When I was younger and the kids were small, I was very tense all the time because I had to self monitor everywhere we went (but at the time, I didn't realize THAT was the root of why I was so tense).  I could never let down my guard.  Now that they are grown and gone, I'm totally free to 'aspie out', as I call it, and I evidently really do embarrass whoever I'm with, or else they laugh so hard they about fall over.
     
    A couple of years ago Scott wanted to stop into a Hallmark store to find a Christmas card for his sister or something, and I was so overwhelmed by all the candle smells and crowded fixtures and people milling around that I got a headache and totally zoned out.  I found The Trail of Painted Ponies display and was in my own bubble, no one else existed, so absorbed was I in all the details.  Scott found me and said, "Ready to go?", and I nodded and nearly floated over to the doors, almost in a trance while I kept looking over the ponies in my head.  I felt a bump and stopped and very slowly came to enough to see a sign on the door, but it still took some time to focus before I realized it said "Use Other Door".  And as I finally rejoined the world, I heard Scott behind me laughing so hard he was about to fall to the floor, and people were going around us with really strange looks on their faces.  I guess I had rebounded perfectly off the door, just like a doll, and stood there like a robot staring, and I can only imagine that the people going around us must have either thought Scott was awfully mean or that something was dreadfully wrong with me or both, because those really were some strange looks.  The funniest part for me was how Scott couldn't stop laughing, no matter how hard he tried.  He smirked and giggled all the way to the car, even though he felt bad about it and kept giving me little hugs, but the truth was, none of it bothered me at all.  I can see it from all kinds of angles looking back, and it still doesn't bother me.  It just tickles me to hear people laugh like that anyway, and that was so much more pleasant than possibly being married to someone who might have called me stupid and berated me for it all the way home.
     
    I like it when someone laughs because I'm such a dork.  I don't try to be a dork, I don't even think about trying to make people laugh, but it tickles me that they laugh.  Before I found out I have Asperger's and I was trying so hard all the time to hide being 'stupid', my feelings were more easily hurt, but I think it was because I didn't understand exactly why.  Now that I know about the Asperger's, I no longer care if people think I look 'retarded' (I've been called that).  I personally think it's cute seeing other people zone out like I do, especially kids.
     
    Don't worry, I don't do it in traffic.    And in spite of sounding so bubble headed with this story, I can sit through a two hour lecture or sermon and hear every word while others around me nod off or go to their happy places.  When Scott is looking for a bolt in Lowe's, and if you've ever looked for one bolt in an aisle containing millions of bolts, you know what I'm talking about, I'm able to go right to exactly what he needs before he does.  I can do this with information, even if I'm completely unfamiliar with it.  I can sift out everything I don't need in seconds, filter it down logically to a system, and find a set of numbers describing size or indicating placement, and voila, there it is.  I can sift through tens of thousands of words and tell you what a document is about in less than 30 seconds.  I just can't make it through Walmart without spacing out by the pickles and doing a little aspie hand dance while I appreciate all the creative work that went into designing the labels...
     
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     
    Total change of subject now.  I've mentioned I'm a rather asexual person, and yes, I have had more to say on the subject.  So if that caught your attention, have a ball.  This is me, looking back on my life and figuring it all out in some articles I wrote.  You'll find other links within those articles, too.
     
    (Thanx muchly to Eddie Izzard for making it so much easier to talk about this kind of stuff, breaking so much ice and all that.   )
    (Sorry, those are gone now.  Myspace problems, etc.)
     
    Before I leave this subject again, I'd like to define it with saying I grew up partially Mennonite, from my dad's side.  I come from very practical people, 400 years of traceable ancestry that finely tuned their minds to problem solving, which was fortunate because they built one of the nation's top 'bread baskets'.  I am very aware that discussing sexuality issues can be very upsetting for some Christian (and other) groups, but my approach, as you can see in the above articles, is from the sort of mind set that will take the time to think, test, observe, and discuss.  The things I write in those articles are not based on emotional whim and cultural fashion, but on a lifetime of observation and logical conclusion, and in my case, actual tests.
     
    If anyone who runs across this is curious which group I come from, my dad's family was of the Alexanderwohl Mennonites.  One of these days I'll find a way to scan and scale down the big map I made in a cartography class that details the migration since the 1600's, which I contributed to one of the museums.
     

  • Double Click on Yes...

     

    When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?
    I haven't looked in a mirror all day.  I cleaned one in the bathroom, but never really looked at me.  I used to be afraid to look in my eyes when I was a child, because it felt weird, but it doesn't bother me any more.  I'm usually surprised when I do look because how I look in my head isn't how I look on the outside.


    How much cash do you have on you?
    Couple of bucks.  I'm not taking you out for ice cream, if that's what you're hinting at.


    Favorite planet?
    I really like Neptune because it's blue.




    Who is the fourth person on your missed call list on your cell?
    Jack Bauer.  I ~told~ him I don't know who programmed the kid to kill the ambassador, but Jack's convinced I'm holding back.  And you know what Jack does to people who hold back...




    What is your favorite ring tone on your cell?
    Soft vibrate.  'Ring tone' sets off 'kill' in my mind, for some reason.  Oh, yeah, because I'm aspie.




    What tee shirt are you wearing?
    I would LOVE to get one of these t-shirts!

     


    Do you label yourself?
    Tired, cranky, hungry-- yeah, all the time.



    Bright or dark room?
    As in preference, or experiencing?  Details, people, I need details!


    What were you doing at midnight last night?
    Awesome action packed dream, you missed the whole thing.


    What did your last text message say that you received?
    "TELL me or I'll come over there and torture it out of you!"  Haha, that Jack, what a kidder.
     

    Where is your closest 7-11?
    Around here they call 'em 'Git-N-Go'.  I laughed my head off when I first moved around here and saw that.


    What's a word that you say a lot?
    Yep.  That one covers just about everything when you're not listening.



    Who told you he/she loved you last?
    Who says "I loved you last"???


    How many drugs have you done in the last three days?
    I do codeine-librax-benadryl-chocolate-skelaxin cocktails.  I've discovered that takes out a migraine better than most anything else.


    Favorite age you have been so far?
    This one.


    Your worst enemy?
    Raw photons.  I'm super sun sensitive.
     
     


    What is the last thing you said to someone?
    "Did you eat spiders today?  I hope you ate spiders because I don't like them."  --to my chicken.


    If you had to choose between a million bucks and the ability to fly, which would you?
    Again, not specifying.  I can fly any time as long as I'm at least half sedated.  That increases my ability to fly.  I'm not sure about the million bucks.  I have a feeling if I were put into a position where I HAD to choose between a million bucks and the 'ability to fly', I'd either have to kill someone or find myself being thrown off a cliff.


    Do you look like someone?
    I have a really generic face.  People mistake me for relatives or friends, and it gets really weird.  This has happened in the mall, in department stores, in school, everywhere I go.  There was a candy bar commercial years ago and the girl in braids looked exactly like me.  When I was in my 20's there was an Avon catalog with my face on the cover.  Didn't know I could look so good!  And stuff like that.  For instance, here I look like Tony Panaccio, whoever the heck that is, you say.    It was Halloween...
     
     



    What famous person do you think you, or that other people think you resemble?
    Johnny Depp looks almost exactly like one of my cousins in certain pics at a certain age, and my uncle much later in certain pics.  I'm not saying I look that much like Johnny Depp, but it's weird that he looks like my family.



    What is your favorite pizza topping?
    I determined in another survey that I was pleasantly surprised by a super supreme.


    Do you crack your knuckles?
    They crack me.


    What song do you hate the most?
    It's a Small World.  This is true- Scott was on that ride when it got stuck, and he had to listen to it for 45 minutes straight.  If I had been there with him, there would have been blood and carnage.




    What are your superpowers?
    One of my top ten fave movies is Mystery Men.

     




    Peppermint or spearmint?
    I used to actually care, but that was many years ago.



    Where are your car keys?
    You're not getting them.


    What's your most annoying habit?
    Not answering questions directly.  Talking to surveys as if they can hear me.  Fussing at survey creators for not having good questions.


    Where did you last go on vacation?
    If you haven't 'flown the beltway', you haven't lived.

     

         




    What superstitions do you believe in/practice?
    Never chase a chicken.  I am the Chicken Wizard.



    What color are your bed sheets?
    No one ever asks me what color my curtains are.  I think my window treatments would be just as interesting as my choice of sheets.  And why does no one ever ask about the thread count???



    Do you talk on your cell phone when you drive?
    I ~dare~ you to ask Jack Bauer this one.  Yes, I am in withdrawal.


    What are your favorite phrases?
    This survey is taking a really boring turn, so I must liven it up a little.
     
    spock
     
     
     
     
     
    Spock's White and Nerdy
     
     
     
     




    If you could go backwards in time, where would you go?
    Back to the day I deleted all my Yablo's House webpages and yell NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!



    How many kids do you plan on having?
    Many more chicks and possibly another duck or two over the next 5 years.




    If you could kiss anyone right now, who would it be?
    Scott's reading his new bird magazine, so I'll have to wait.

     

    Would you rather die in a blaze of glory or peacefully in your sleep?
    If I die during a dream, do I get stuck there?  Sometimes I think I'd want to know about it, sometimes I think I wouldn't.  As for blaze of glory, where the heck does a person get one of *those*???  "Yeah, I'd like to order a 'blaze of glory' scenario for my death.  Yes, thanx, I'll wait."



    Coffee or tea?
    I like saying "Arabica beans".  It just kinda rolls off the tongue.  Arabica beans.  Arabica beans.  Good name for a band or something.  Too bad I can't really drink coffee.  Monkey King tea is pretty good.



    Favorite concert you have been to?
    Youtube.


    Have you ever been in love?
    Have you ever seen this guy?
     
    Eddie Izzard's Encore on Computers
     
     
     
     


    Do you talk to yourself?
    No, I'm talking to *you*...
     
     

  • Totally Mindless Survey

     

    What do you think the most common letter in the English Language?
    You completely left me hanging with the word 'is' missing.  Is that a clue or something?


    Have you ever worn shoes without socks?
    When you put big sox over your shoes it's easier to walk on the snow.


    When was the last time you popped a mint?
    I had no idea they popped.  I shall have to try this.


    Do you pop your gum?
    Gum pops, too?  I'm a little worried now about gum popping when I least expect it.


    Do you know how to play any instruments?
    Apparently I can pop various candies and gums.  Perhaps I can do this rhythmically.

    Do you own an orange shirt?
    Alas, I gave my orange shirt away to someone in the UK.


    Who do you want to be nominated as President of U.S.
    Casanova Frankenstein


    Do you use chapstick?
    Did you know you can be allergic to chapstick?  Dentists have many answers to weird questions, like why do my lips peel off until I don't have any.



    How many water bottles do you consume a week?
    Consuming bottle....  *burp!*  ~picking teeth~  Yeah, those bottles are mighty tasty.





    Where do you want to work while in College, if at all?
    Depending on the college, I think I'd rather teach something weird, like Mythology of SciFi.

    Are you currently in debt?
    I have $12, more than enough for 10 pounds of chick feed.



    Do you paint your toe nails?
    Freak me out, do NOT paint them glow in the dark.



    Off the top of your head, what do you think superfluous means?
    Intensely overwhelmed with influenza.  They make superfluous shots nowadays.


    When writing essays, do you write in a notebook and then type it, or type it right out of your head?
    My fingers race across the keyboard to keep up with the dictation.  We tried going back to writing once, and my head fired my hands.  My head demands excellence and speed, and starts throwing things if it has to slow down and wait for a pen to loop around and dot and stuff.



    Up to what grade level of math would you say you've completed?
    My calculus professor pretty much called me a genius and a loser in one breath, in very bad English.  He was born in China, educated in Canada in French, and it was clear I was stubbornly backward engineering the whole thing.


    Do you like bread ends?
    You wanna see a massacre, just toss a 'bread end' out to my chickens.  I got bread mutilation by a gang of chicks and a duck lord on video the other day.



    How many pieces of ham on a sandwich?
    See, this is what I'm talking about.  This is why I was practically kicked out of calculus.



    What kind of cheese do you like?
    I make a cheese ball to die for.  I actually have someone go to Wisconsin and pick cheese up for me personally.  Seriously.



    Plain chocolate or stuffed with caramel or cherry?
    Chocolatiers the world over are cringing that you think chocolate is 'stuffed'.  Does that sound hilarious?

    What is your purpose in life?
    To tell you that you can actually buy stuffed chocolate from
    European Belgian Gourmet Chocolate.  If you wanna read something truly hilarious, Russel-Stover Cancels Line of Chocolate Gods Treats

    How many area codes do you use, are you familiar with?
    It's freaking me out that area codes don't have a lot of meaning any more with the advent of cell phones.


    Do any of your siblings look like your twin?
    I have a *twin*?????  Wow...  Wouldn't that make the sibling who looks like my twin my triplet?


    Would you ever wear an afro wig?
    I was looking through a wig catalog one year and decided I'd rather be bald than have to keep something on my head.  A scalp tattoo would be cool.



    Have you ever donated your hair?
    I would especially feel weird wearing a wig of hair that had come out of someone else's head.  They can have my arm hair, though.



    Do you put lotion on your tummy?
    Neutrogena® Relaxing Overnight Body Cream.  Satisfied?

    What kind of lotion is your favorite?
    Dang, I just used that answer.

    What's your top best radio station for news?
    Top best...  Not the middle best.  Um.  A radio station?  I have yet to run into a radio station that gives actual good news.  Most of it is just quick bad repeats.


    What was the last thing you heard on the news?
    Something about this year's peach crop being in jeopardy from the cold snap.


    How often do you pick up the newspaper to read?
    I use it to line my chicky box.  They especially like the ads.



    How many stripes does the flag have?
    There are many flags in this world.  Please specify.



    Who made the original 13 starred flag of the U.S?
    I was watching The Two Towers the other day and was thinking exactly that about the Rohan flag.  It looked really awesome in battle, and I thought how cool it was that some woman at home could point to that flag and say she inspired the troops out on the bloody battlefield with her design.

    Have you ever heard a song by Pink Floyd?
    I'm not exactly just another brick in a wall.  It used to be all the rage to get high and watch The Wall, right?  Well, I tried it once, and that had to be the stupidest experience I ever wasted my time on.  I get better imagery in my head when I'm sober.

    How many blogs do you have?
    They weren't all me, I swear.



    Have you ever used a sound as part of your password for anything?
    The person before me actually listed passwords to particular things.  Interesting.  Wonder how many other people fall for this one.


    What's your dream car?
    I've had a few dream cars.  I don't care any more.  When you get to the point where you're just happy the radio works, you've almost reached nirvana.


    Ninja's, Pirates, Thieves, or Politicians?
    On a chess board, anything is possible. 

    Have you ever wanted to have a hook for a hand?
    This is a late night free association survey created by someone who is desperately needing alcohol.


    Do you think you'll ever have a six pack?
    What did I tell you?  The free associating is off the wall.  This person is a party animal stuck in computer land without even a big marshmallow to microwave a s'more out of.


    Have you ever counted the number of stairs you've climbed, if so what was the number?
    I'll go you one better.  How many slats are in the blinds on your window?  If you have to go count, you seriously need to go prowl around youtube or something.


    Have you ever worn cowboy boots?
    I had a pair one year.  I have no idea what came over me.



    Who's Ralph Nader, and what did he do?
    He's Darth Vadar's cousin.  Actually, I grew up with the guy.  I think he enjoyed negative attention, and the media ate it up because they were so bored.

    Have you given up trying to find Waldo?
    When you're looking for Waldo and the hairs go up on the back of your neck as your eyes lock, you realize he's more than a little guy on a page full of people...  He's watching *you* the whole time you're looking for him.  Best to shut the book and walk away.



    Ever played jacks?
    I liked going to Jack's house.  Except he insisted we call him Guy for some reason.

    Do you think red lipstick is hot?
    Why red?  No one really has red lips.  I like pinks, darks, and funky blue.


    What does "drop it like it's hot" mean?
    Drop It Like It's Hot - Wikipedia  Not having heard the song or the phrase used anywhere, I'm going to guess it means act like you're cool.


    Have you ever named a part of your body?
    You mean like, have I ever named the nerve trunk down my spine Baxter? 

    What's the longest word you can remember right now?
    Wait.  Takes forever.

    Have you ever said "fine and dandy"?
    I wish you'd go out and find a snack already, because this survey is really sucking.

    What smiley face do you most often use?
    >=)
     
    Thank goodness that's over.
     

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I've started transferring my survey posts over to Surveypalooza so people coming in from search engines on mobile devices will be able to see the surveys.

surveypalooza

Apologies for the missing vids, another upgrade during the server migration swept through like a scan sweeping through the Enterprise. I'll fix those later, kinda busy...

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